Lissia's Xena/Ares Fan Fiction
Chapter 1: The
Contestants and Rules
“Oh come on Xena! It’s for a good cause!” Aphrodite repeated for the twentieth time that hour. Xena shakes her head, “I told you, I’m not interested in a beauty contest.” “Love contest, Xena, love contest,” the goddess corrects. “Whatever.” Gabrielle, just smiles at the two bickering. It’s been going on for a few hours now and she still found it amusing. Finally Xena asked the one question that hadn’t been asked yet, “What’s this good cause?” Aphrodite smiled, “There are orphans all around my temples trying to find a home, this is to raise dinars for them. It’s not for me, it’s for them.” Xena rolled her eyes, “Fine, who else have you recruited?” “The other two people I set out to get! Your daughter and Gabby. You three are the ones everyone wants to see.” Gabrielle finally butts into the conversation, “You never did tell us what was going to happen.” “Yeah, I know, but we have to go get Eve first, then head to Olympus to arrange everything. I’ll explain while we’re all getting facials.” Xena rolled her eyes and Gabrielle smiled. To the bard, it sounded like a nice vacation.
Aphrodite stared at the three women as they were spruced up. “Alright, here’s what’s going to happen. I have a list of your ‘serious’ loves. Men and women you’ve had a relationship with. I will give a brief explanation of each and then the crowd will decide if that person if your ‘All time Love’. Now, people can tie and in that case, there will be another vote at the end of your turn. We are going to start with Eve, then Gabrielle, and end with Xena. Sound okay to you three?” The three said something similar to a “Sure, whatever,” but it came out as a “Sore, whetava.” Aphrodite nodded, “Good, your outfits are in your rooms. Now, I have to go get myself ready.” At that she disappeared.
An hour later, Xena, Gabrielle, and Eve were in their rooms squeezing into the dresses Aphrodite had picked out for them. Eve smiled at her reflection happily. Gabrielle examined every little aspect of the dress, then smiled, satisfied. Xena shook her head, then ripped slits up the slides. Xena, Gabrielle, and Eve went to stand behind the curtain on the stage. “Xena, Gab, you guys gotta get off the stage. Eve, come sit down here,” Aphrodite said. They did as told and before they knew it, it was beginning.
Chapter2: Eve
“Alright, my dear paying customers! First up we have Eve, also known as Livia. Once on a path of murder, she’s now a peace loving follower of Eli. She gave her mother Xena, the power to defeat the Olympians, minus Ares and myself,” Aphrodite said all too happy about the whole thing. Eve waves and smiles at the applauding and booing crowd. “Now, out first match for her is Augustus Caesar. As you may remember, their relationship can be seen in ‘Livia’. He’s the Emperor of Rome, betrayed by Livia who was plotting with Ares to over power him. What do you say people? Is it meant to be?” The crowd studies the two who are sitting next to each other on the couch. Then they send up their vote. “Hmmm! Well, it looks like this one is for the trash! There’s no way you two can ever be together! Sorry Augustus!” He rushes off the stage, relieved to be away from the two. “Now, next up we have Virgil, son of Joxer! Virgil claims to hate Eve for killing his father, but can we really believe that? Examples of their relationship can be seen in “Eve” and “Livia”. So, crowd, what ya think? Cute aren’t they?” The crowd is silent, then everyone crosses their eyes and sends up the vote. “Interesting! Well, you two look cute, but total attitude clash! Sorry Virgil!” He exits the stage, muttering about how horrible Eve is. “Well! I’m glad you guys thought that wouldn’t work! On to the next! Come on down Ares! Their steamy relationship can be seen in “Livia”. But when mommy got back he ran to her and away from dead Eve. Now, they don’t talk and she fears him. Will it work?” The crowd looks from one to the other, then yells, “NO!” “Alright! I get it people! Brake the windows and ya pay for them! Anyway! Ares, ya gotta go for now. But we all know you’ll be back.” “Damn straight.” She rolls her eyes, “Men. Now, onto the next and final contestant for our Eve! We have Eli! She worships him already and we all know that men love to be worshipped. He’s dead, but that can be fixed. He was also there in spirit form when her father was revealed. What ya think?” The crowd send up their votes. “Well, best so far. Basically, we got great personality match, but she needs to fix him up a bit. So Eve, Eli, what ya think? Can ya give this a week and then report back to us on if we should start a wedding?” Eve smiles and grabs his hand. He’s the one to answer, “Of course we can Aphrodite. But, uh, will I still be brought back on?” “Of course! Here that people! We have a relationship started! Wow! We’re on a role!” Eve and Eli exit the stage and the curtain is closed quickly.
Chapter 3: Gabrielle
“Alright folks! Next up is Gabrielle the Battling Bard of Potedaea! She’s traveled with Xena for the last six years, had and killed a daughter, and lost her blood innocence, also becoming a warrior. And first on her line of matches, which is much longer than Eve’s, is Homer!” Gabrielle looks up as Homer walks onto the stage. “Homer is a bard. Their relationship can be seen in “Athens City Academy of Performing Bards”. He had a harsh father and was helped to tell his stories better by Gabrielle. What does the crowd think of this? Yes or no?” The crowd smiles and frowns and then send up the vote. “Okay, let’s see what did they say? Ohh....He’s to feminine and she’s too butch. Well, sorry Homer, looks like ya gotta scoot.” He gets up and walks over to Aphrodite, “Miss Aphrodite Ma’am, who was that?” “Gabrielle.” “Oh.” He then leaves the stage with the crowd and Aphrodite laughing. Gabrielle is beat red. “Well, next we have our first female and it’s Xena! She’s the Warrior Princess and ‘soul mate’ of our Gabrielle. Examples of their relationship can be seen in “The Quest” and “Friend in Need”. Xena was able to forgive Gabrielle when she was betrayed in Chin and eventually taught Gabrielle the pinch. Gabrielle was intrusted with the knowledge of Solon only after meeting him. What do you think?” The crowd began booing and throwing rotten fruit onto the stage, “NO! NO! NO!” “Okay, we got our answer. Get off Xena, you’re not her chicka!” Xena rolled her eyes, then threw her chakram at a man who was throwing fruit, she slit his throat , then walked away. “Clean up in isle....O! I don’t know, but over there people!” Aphrodite straightened herself up and then said, “Now we have Perdicus, who Gabrielle married in “Return of Callisto”. She settled down and was ready for a family, but Callisto didn’t like the idea. She murdered him. What does the crowd think?” There was a small argument that ended with a man dead, then finally the vote came, “Time for them has been and gone. Sorry Perdicus. It just won’t work anymore.” He started to go off the stage then turned and yelled at Gabrielle, “Men hater!” “Well, we sure do have some voicefull participants. Now we have Virgil, son of Joxer. It’s obvious by the looks he threw her in “Motherhood” and “Who’s Gurkhan”, that he likes her, but does she share that opinion of him? That’s one question I can’t answer.” The crowd cheered, “YES! YES! YES!” “Well we have a winner! But wait there are more people back there waiting for Gabrielle! So Virgil please go stand over in that corner while we test the others!” Virgil smiled, kissed Gabrielle and then went to his corner. “Now we have Talus, a dead boy that walked as the undead with our Gabrielle in “Death in Chains”. They were both sweet and innocent at the time, he still is, but she is not. Could they work this out?” Several babies cried from the crowd and one went flying across the room, to land in Aphrodite’s arms with the vote. “That was new. Okay, sorry to say, but no. Seems to be he’s in the same boat as Homer.” He exits the stage and starts flirting with Homer. “I hope that works for you two! Now, we have Dahok! That god who tried to take over and impregnated Gabrielle. She’s feared him sense. Will it work?” The paper was flung up on a Frisbee, “Okay, it says. That beep beep beep, get the beep away from her! I’ll take that as a no. Get lost Mister!” He leaves and the crowd cheers. “Now, we have another god, this one goes by the name Morpheus. He sent his priests out to get a young lady who hasn’t killed and they brought back Gabrielle in “Dreamworker”. Now she didn’t want to be in relationship at that time and refused to kill. Xena saved her.” “No, are you an idiot?!” The crowd yelled, along other more choice words. “Sorry, guy, but I can’t let ya have her.” Gabrielle was smiling, enjoying all the attention she was getting and hopping that they chose a good guy for her to be with. “Now we have Joxer the Mighty! Their relationship started in “Callisto and didn’t end until his death in “Livia”. A few major turn points were “Chakram” and “Eternal Bonds”. She said she loved him, just not the way he wanted. Think they could work it out?” The crowd was quite torn by this one. Half said yes, the other half said no. Aphrodite had to the tie and make it a no. “Sorry, bud, but you got Meg and kids.” He left in tears. “Next in line is...o! Me! Our relationship can be seen in “God you know”. And we both have blonde hair. We were also able to work together in “Little Problems”. And ya know, I could always spruce her up a bit more, I am a goddess.” “NO!!!!!! BEEP NO!” Aphrodite looked discouraged, then shrugged, “Okay, onto Draco! He was shot with Cupid’s eros in “Comedy of Eros”, and never recovered. Can he grow on her?” Draco started singing and half the crowd went unconscious, the rest were reaching for ear plugs while yelling, “Get him off! Kill him! Make him go away!” “Okay big boy! Get off my stage so we can see Iolous! These two are both sidekicks and shared their first kiss in “Prometheus,” their relationship continued in “Judgment day,” where you can tell they like each other.” “They’re hot!” “Okay, Iolous go stand in the corner opposite of Virgil. We’ll get back to you later, but right now we have Eli to deal with.” Eli struts onto the stage peeling Eve off of him. “Eli and Gabrielle used to be teacher and student, but she decided that his way was not for her. You can see their some-what relationship in “The Way,” and “Chakram”. He’s currently in a relationship.” The crowd was silent then yelled, “NO!” Eli was pushed off the stage by the force of their words. “Hmm...guess not bud. Now we have Beawolf, from the “Norse Trilogy”, he was obsessed with Gabrielle. And she we believe had a small thing for him. Can it go farther?” Once again, there was a tie that Aphrodite had to break. She decided no, because he was too ugly for her. He walked off the stage in tears with the help of several members from the crowd. “Poor guy. Sorry. Now, we have Autolycus the King of Thieves! He and Gabrielle shared a kiss in “The Quest”, was it serious? Did it mean something?” A piece of paper with lipstick stuck to it was thrown to the goddess. “Welp, sorry, Auto, you’re not for her either. Hey! Get out of my purse! Get off my stage!” She threw a few love bolts at him that hit the floor. “Humph! Now we have Ares, yet again! They bonded in “The Quill is Mightier”. He used her in “Succession” and “Seeds of Faith”. Can they be man and wife?” The vote was sent up and Aphrodite read it to herself. “Okay, first off you guys don’t need to insult me! Second, Ares, sorry, it won’t work!” He walked off the stage with a gleam in his eye. “Now, we have Lyceus, Xena’s younger brother. “Remember Nothing”, showed us their attraction to one another. What could it be now? He fights as does she.” The vote came and it was a tie, which was broken making it a yes. “Alright, we have three finalists: Virgil, Iolous, and Lyceus! Who will win? Well let’s see. For this I have had pictures of what their children would look like made. I will show you these, and by that you will decided who we’re putting with our Gabrielle.” She held up a picture of what Virgil and Gabrielle’s children would look like. The crowd laughed and Aphrodite shook her head. “Sorry, Virgil, you gotta go.” Next was Iolous, which was a tie that ended up being a no. And last of all they saw Lyceus and Gabrielle’s child. “OHHHHH!! AHHHHH!! YEEEESSS!!!” “Well! There’s the answer! Yes it is!” She turned to look at Gabrielle and Lyceus only to see that they were kissing in the middle of the stage. “Um....hey get off my stage with that! Remember one week together, alone! Be good.” They walk off the stage holding hands. “Well, nice choice yet again. It seems you guys have excellent taste.”
Chapter 4: Xena
“Alright people we have Xena the Warrior Princess herself now! And she’s been through more men than Gabrielle! This should be fun,” Aphrodite says shaking her breasts. All the men in the crowd go goo-goo eyed, then Xena walks on stage and sits down. The crowd ooo’s and ahhh’s. “Alright! Let’s get this party started! First on our long list is...o..Gabrielle, well we’ve already decided that’s a no. Umm....next is...Hower from “A Day in the Life”. He was obsessed with her, she threatened to wear wolf skin and stop bathing. He finally went back to his Girlfriend, Minya. Would it work with him and Xena? Should they give it another try?” The crowd boo’s and throws cookies at Hower. Xena laughs and points at Hower who is eating the cookies. “Okay, STOP IT everyone! Hower get off my stage! I have crumbs in my hair!” She flashed and once again she was perfect. “Now, for Darius from Chariots of War! He’s a family man who saved Xena. Both him and his three kids fell in love with the newly redeemed Warrior Princess. Could they be together again?” A note came flying up to her and she laughed. “No, I guess not! He’s just too tacky for her! She needs a real man! Okay, sorry Darius. Tough luck.” Xena kissed his cheek gently and then he left. Aphrodite smiles, “How cute! Can we get on with it now?” Seeming satisfied, she continues, “Okay, we have Ulysses! A small fling happened between him and Xena in the episode of the same name as his. But, it ended up that Xena convinced him to return to his wife. Should they try a real relationship?” “Cheaters should die! Get rid of him! Hang him!” “Another nope. Hmm..Xena, you’re hard to pick for. Just too many flings.” Xena smiled and flipped a dagger casually with a slight hint of a threat directed towards the Goddess. “Right! On we go! We have Hercules! The highlights of their ‘fun’ relationship can be seen in “Unchained Heart”, but we have always been able to tell that the warrior babe had a crush on him. Remember Gabrielle thought that he might be the father of Xena’s child in “Animal Attractions”. Can they get this act together and drop their sidekicks for some private time?” A note came up to her, “No, she was with his brother a little too much. It would be messed up. Okay, sorry Herc, there’s a whore house across the road.” “Must be yours,” he said walking off the stage. “JERK! Now! Where were we? Ahh..yes, we’re onto Akemi from “A Friend in Need”. This young woman bonded with Xena when she was after the money the girls dad would pay. Xena redeemed her while sacrificing herself. Should they get hitched?” “Ewwww!! No!! Please!! NO!!!! Don’t!” “Okay, you heard little girl, get off. I don’t like you either! So HA!” Xena flipped the dagger again. “I mean, I’m sorry, but no.” Xena smiled and the crowd laughed. “Oh shut-up, your all so scared of her you’d wet yourselves if she even looked at you wrong. Next we have Theodorus and Estragon. We’ve decided to take them together sense they’re both seen in “The Warrior Princess”. Xena used them as she did with men then, except my big bro. Could they learn to play nice?” A ball was thrown at her which Xena caught and read, “Hell no. It just isn’t right. Hey! I agree with you there. Go on boys or else I’ll kill ya again.” “Xena! That’s my job! Well, okay, by the way, you two need a bath. Now, we have someone who does smell very good. Come on out Marcus from “The Path Not Taken”. He was killed while redeeming himself, Xena sung at his funeral. Later she killed him again because of her love for him in “Mortal Beloved”. What ya say peeps? Do we finally got one?” “YES! GOOD ONE XE!” “Alright! Cha-ching! Go stand over there hottie.” He looks pleased with himself at being called hottie by the Goddess of Love. Xena leans over to him, “Don’t take her serious. She calls her brother stud-muffin.” “Now, Xena you’re supposed to be quiet! Next we have Calisto!” “Psycho, not lover!! No more lesbo! No more lesbo!” “Okay, I guess this means we cut off Lao Ma?” they cheer at the idea. “There goes part of my fun. Oh well. Let’s go onto Palaemon from “Blind Faith”. He started off wanting to kill Xena, but soon became her guild and then friend. I think it could have been more, what about you?” A perfume bottle was tossed up at her. “They’re cute, but she’s changed too much now.” A woman stood up in the crowd, “I want him!!!” “Sit down! Okay, you can have him for all I care. Just sit down and put a shirt on!” She did just that and Palaemon went to sit with her. “Okay, lets go onto Caesar, Julius Caesar, he’s from-.” “I thought we said no more women! Get it off!” “There’s that answer.” Xena was on the floor laughing and Caesar was jotting down names to add to his hit list. “Hmm....next on the list is Odin. They used to be together back in the day as we are told in “The Norse Trilogy”. Okay, I, Aphrodite am knocking this one off. He’s ugly and just ew.” Xena continues laughing hysterically. “Yes, yes, shut-up Xena, now we have Maphius. Xena and him were engaged in “Remember Nothing”. She didn’t fight then, at least not much. She was also always pursponing the wedding. Think she could finally tie the knot with him?” A big beach ball was tossed to her with a note scribbled on it, “Well, he’s okay, but they’re not for each other. It just wouldn’t work. He’s a bit too nice. Xena always needs her trouble. Well, okay, sorry, Maphius, but stick around and see if ya can find some nice chick for yourself.” Women start jumping up and down and he lunges into the crowd and caught by them. “Next we have with us, Iolous, sidekick to Hercules. Their passionate, but traitorous relationship started and ended in “The Warrior Princess”, but sense she changed, they’ve been friends. Can they work through their problems and become lovers?” The crowd boos and ahhs, it was obviously a tie. “Well, it’s left up to little me. Hmmm..Well, blondey I wanna save ya for myslef, so it’s a no.” A riot starts in the crowd. “Stop it or else!!! I said stop now! NOW! Damn it stop!” They suddenly stop and sit back down very still. “That’s better, glad to see ya respect the Great Goddess of Love.” They laugh and point at Xena who’s flipping her chakram around. “Oh. Well, onto the next victim, opps! Contestant. We have Pompey from “When in Rome..”. He was a friend of Caesar’s, only much cuter, she was there to free a man. They ended up heavily flirting with one another. Later in “End Game” she killed him. Could they make the flirting go farther?” The vote is passed up to her. “That was original. Let’s see what ya got to say? No. Well, were’s the rest?” A flying chicken lands on the floor in front of her with a note. “Hmm...No. No more to say. We just say no. Fine, be that way!” The crowd snickers and Xena shakes her head. “Now we have my brother Ares God of War. Their relationship was clearly love in “The Reckoning” and he admitted his love in “God Fearing Child”. But it was never clearer than in “Motherhood”. Then she admitted that she felt something in “Amphipolis Under Siege” and later told him that he got to her in “Coming Home”. Should they try a relationship again after all these years?” Cheers go out around the room and Aphrodite smiles happily. “Alright! Yeah! Go stand over their Ares!” He smirked and walked over to the corner she had pointed at. “Now we have Petracles, a warlord from Xena’s past that showed his face in “A Fistful of Dinars”. He had once been engaged to Xena and later died doing a good deed. After all the years apart, he still had the wedding bracelet she had given him. Aw! Can they work things out?” A dead rabbit was handed to her, “Eww! Groody! What is it with you people? Okay, so nope, he’s uglier than Hades’ butt. Hey! How do you know what my uncle’s butt looks like?” They hold up a picture. “Eww! Where did you freaks get that? Wait! I don’t wanna know. On with the show! Next up is Mark Antony from “Anotony and Cleopatra”. He wanted her navy, she wanted to know who killed Cleopatra and to be on the right side in the end. She betrayed him after he admitted his love for her. Can they put their hatred behind them?” “That wench! Let me go! I’m going to kill her! I wanna rip out her throat! I said let go of me! Damn it let me go!” “Hmm...folks, I think I must say this won’t work. Get off my stage!” He leaves, grumbling to himself how he should have listened to his mother and been monk. “Okay, guys, we have four left. Finally we’re almost over! Now, we have Autolycus, the King of Thieves. His adoration for her is plenty obvious in “The Royal Couple of Thieves,” can it go farther? I don’t think so, but hey, what ya guys think?” “Nope!! Not really! Wrong for each other!” “Sorry, Auto, you heard ‘em. Asta! Three left! Borias is next on our list. We first learn of their relationship in “The Dept”, then see how far it went in “Adventures in the Sin Trade”, among other episodes. Now that she’s good, could they work it out?” A trained bird came and gave her the vote, “Yes, we think so. And we love his accent. Okay, stud, go stand over their.” Both Marcus and Ares give him dirty looks which he returns. “Alright, two down, two to go! Now we have Rafe, another dead guy. Their fling happened in “King Con”, Xena always did have a thing for bad boys. What ya think?” For a change the crowd sent up a goat in pink undies and a bra on it’s head. It held a note, “No. This is just another no. Hey people! That’s mine! Why’s my stuff on a goat? How’d you guys get that? Get it off the goat!” Rafe runs to help the Goddess. “Oh my hero! Now give me those! And get off my stage!” She’s booed at. “Oh, I’m sorry, but you need to leave now Rafe.” She gently kissed him on the cheek and he passed out. “Clean up on the stage! Pronto people! Okay, thanks. Now we have to let Draco have his turn. He was seen in “Sins of the Past” and the beginning of “Comedy of Eros”, as in love with Xena as she is with her horse. The only time she shared these feelings were when she was under the influence of my stupid son’s eros. Could a relationship deal with them?” The crowd booed. “Get a hair cut jerk! nice scar!! HAHAHA!” “Hey, be nice or else I’ll sick Xena on ya! Sorry, Draco, but it’s a nope. Go on, leave now.” “I love Gabrielle!!!!!!” “That’s nice. Now, we have three men lined up for the Warrior Babe, but she can only have one. Who will it be? Marcus? Ares? Or Borias? Let’s bring out the pictures and find out. First up we have Marcus, here’s their kid!” “Eww NOOOO!!!!” Aphrodite studies the picture, “Okay, guess you’re right. Next we have Borias and we didn’t even have to make this picture because they had a son, Solon.” “Not cute! No way!” “Hey Solon was adorable!” “Xena you aren’t supposed to talk. Now Ares, which I personally think is too cute!” “AWWWWWWW!!!! SO CUTE!” Xena jerks the picture so that she can see, “Aww... I didn’t just say that.” “Well! We have our answer finally for Xena The Warrior Princess.” Ares reaches his hand out towards her and she takes it. “We’ll see you back in a week.”
Chapter 5: And it Went...
“Now, we have our three couples back after a weak alone together. Let’s see how it went. First we’d like to have Eve and Eli come on the stage. Eve what do you think?” “We’re engaged.” “Okay, Eli would you like to add anything to that?” “WE’RE ENGAGED!” “Okay, thank-you, call me if ya need help with the wedding.” The exit the stage with applous following them. “Now, let’s talk to Gabrielle and Lyceus. So how did it go?” Gabrielle smiles, “Fine, of course. We’re not engaged yet, but we’re quite happy together.” “She talks so much, I love it and her!” “Aww..thank-you sweetie.” “Your welcome honey butt.” They start kissing on the couch. “Hmm..okay, clean up on the stage couch!” The two are taken behind stage. “Now, we have Xena and Ares.” No one comes on stage. “I said: Now we have Xena and Ares!” Still no one. “Hmm..I wonder where they are.” Xena’s chakram flew into the floor by Aphrodite’s feet with a note. “It’s great. Sorry we’re not on stage, we got carried away. Talk to ya later. Oh, we’re not engaged yet, but we will be as soon as Ares asks me, but he doesn’t know that. We also plan to have kids..later. Okay, bye.” Aphrodite smiled to herself. “Well, It’s all in a day’s work. Now this ends our contest. Thank-you for being here and please leave contributions for the orphans. Thank-you. Thank-you. Bye bye now. Hey give me back those undies!”
-End-
“Oh come on Xena! It’s for a good cause!” Aphrodite repeated for the twentieth time that hour. Xena shakes her head, “I told you, I’m not interested in a beauty contest.” “Love contest, Xena, love contest,” the goddess corrects. “Whatever.” Gabrielle, just smiles at the two bickering. It’s been going on for a few hours now and she still found it amusing. Finally Xena asked the one question that hadn’t been asked yet, “What’s this good cause?” Aphrodite smiled, “There are orphans all around my temples trying to find a home, this is to raise dinars for them. It’s not for me, it’s for them.” Xena rolled her eyes, “Fine, who else have you recruited?” “The other two people I set out to get! Your daughter and Gabby. You three are the ones everyone wants to see.” Gabrielle finally butts into the conversation, “You never did tell us what was going to happen.” “Yeah, I know, but we have to go get Eve first, then head to Olympus to arrange everything. I’ll explain while we’re all getting facials.” Xena rolled her eyes and Gabrielle smiled. To the bard, it sounded like a nice vacation.
Aphrodite stared at the three women as they were spruced up. “Alright, here’s what’s going to happen. I have a list of your ‘serious’ loves. Men and women you’ve had a relationship with. I will give a brief explanation of each and then the crowd will decide if that person if your ‘All time Love’. Now, people can tie and in that case, there will be another vote at the end of your turn. We are going to start with Eve, then Gabrielle, and end with Xena. Sound okay to you three?” The three said something similar to a “Sure, whatever,” but it came out as a “Sore, whetava.” Aphrodite nodded, “Good, your outfits are in your rooms. Now, I have to go get myself ready.” At that she disappeared.
An hour later, Xena, Gabrielle, and Eve were in their rooms squeezing into the dresses Aphrodite had picked out for them. Eve smiled at her reflection happily. Gabrielle examined every little aspect of the dress, then smiled, satisfied. Xena shook her head, then ripped slits up the slides. Xena, Gabrielle, and Eve went to stand behind the curtain on the stage. “Xena, Gab, you guys gotta get off the stage. Eve, come sit down here,” Aphrodite said. They did as told and before they knew it, it was beginning.
Chapter2: Eve
“Alright, my dear paying customers! First up we have Eve, also known as Livia. Once on a path of murder, she’s now a peace loving follower of Eli. She gave her mother Xena, the power to defeat the Olympians, minus Ares and myself,” Aphrodite said all too happy about the whole thing. Eve waves and smiles at the applauding and booing crowd. “Now, out first match for her is Augustus Caesar. As you may remember, their relationship can be seen in ‘Livia’. He’s the Emperor of Rome, betrayed by Livia who was plotting with Ares to over power him. What do you say people? Is it meant to be?” The crowd studies the two who are sitting next to each other on the couch. Then they send up their vote. “Hmmm! Well, it looks like this one is for the trash! There’s no way you two can ever be together! Sorry Augustus!” He rushes off the stage, relieved to be away from the two. “Now, next up we have Virgil, son of Joxer! Virgil claims to hate Eve for killing his father, but can we really believe that? Examples of their relationship can be seen in “Eve” and “Livia”. So, crowd, what ya think? Cute aren’t they?” The crowd is silent, then everyone crosses their eyes and sends up the vote. “Interesting! Well, you two look cute, but total attitude clash! Sorry Virgil!” He exits the stage, muttering about how horrible Eve is. “Well! I’m glad you guys thought that wouldn’t work! On to the next! Come on down Ares! Their steamy relationship can be seen in “Livia”. But when mommy got back he ran to her and away from dead Eve. Now, they don’t talk and she fears him. Will it work?” The crowd looks from one to the other, then yells, “NO!” “Alright! I get it people! Brake the windows and ya pay for them! Anyway! Ares, ya gotta go for now. But we all know you’ll be back.” “Damn straight.” She rolls her eyes, “Men. Now, onto the next and final contestant for our Eve! We have Eli! She worships him already and we all know that men love to be worshipped. He’s dead, but that can be fixed. He was also there in spirit form when her father was revealed. What ya think?” The crowd send up their votes. “Well, best so far. Basically, we got great personality match, but she needs to fix him up a bit. So Eve, Eli, what ya think? Can ya give this a week and then report back to us on if we should start a wedding?” Eve smiles and grabs his hand. He’s the one to answer, “Of course we can Aphrodite. But, uh, will I still be brought back on?” “Of course! Here that people! We have a relationship started! Wow! We’re on a role!” Eve and Eli exit the stage and the curtain is closed quickly.
Chapter 3: Gabrielle
“Alright folks! Next up is Gabrielle the Battling Bard of Potedaea! She’s traveled with Xena for the last six years, had and killed a daughter, and lost her blood innocence, also becoming a warrior. And first on her line of matches, which is much longer than Eve’s, is Homer!” Gabrielle looks up as Homer walks onto the stage. “Homer is a bard. Their relationship can be seen in “Athens City Academy of Performing Bards”. He had a harsh father and was helped to tell his stories better by Gabrielle. What does the crowd think of this? Yes or no?” The crowd smiles and frowns and then send up the vote. “Okay, let’s see what did they say? Ohh....He’s to feminine and she’s too butch. Well, sorry Homer, looks like ya gotta scoot.” He gets up and walks over to Aphrodite, “Miss Aphrodite Ma’am, who was that?” “Gabrielle.” “Oh.” He then leaves the stage with the crowd and Aphrodite laughing. Gabrielle is beat red. “Well, next we have our first female and it’s Xena! She’s the Warrior Princess and ‘soul mate’ of our Gabrielle. Examples of their relationship can be seen in “The Quest” and “Friend in Need”. Xena was able to forgive Gabrielle when she was betrayed in Chin and eventually taught Gabrielle the pinch. Gabrielle was intrusted with the knowledge of Solon only after meeting him. What do you think?” The crowd began booing and throwing rotten fruit onto the stage, “NO! NO! NO!” “Okay, we got our answer. Get off Xena, you’re not her chicka!” Xena rolled her eyes, then threw her chakram at a man who was throwing fruit, she slit his throat , then walked away. “Clean up in isle....O! I don’t know, but over there people!” Aphrodite straightened herself up and then said, “Now we have Perdicus, who Gabrielle married in “Return of Callisto”. She settled down and was ready for a family, but Callisto didn’t like the idea. She murdered him. What does the crowd think?” There was a small argument that ended with a man dead, then finally the vote came, “Time for them has been and gone. Sorry Perdicus. It just won’t work anymore.” He started to go off the stage then turned and yelled at Gabrielle, “Men hater!” “Well, we sure do have some voicefull participants. Now we have Virgil, son of Joxer. It’s obvious by the looks he threw her in “Motherhood” and “Who’s Gurkhan”, that he likes her, but does she share that opinion of him? That’s one question I can’t answer.” The crowd cheered, “YES! YES! YES!” “Well we have a winner! But wait there are more people back there waiting for Gabrielle! So Virgil please go stand over in that corner while we test the others!” Virgil smiled, kissed Gabrielle and then went to his corner. “Now we have Talus, a dead boy that walked as the undead with our Gabrielle in “Death in Chains”. They were both sweet and innocent at the time, he still is, but she is not. Could they work this out?” Several babies cried from the crowd and one went flying across the room, to land in Aphrodite’s arms with the vote. “That was new. Okay, sorry to say, but no. Seems to be he’s in the same boat as Homer.” He exits the stage and starts flirting with Homer. “I hope that works for you two! Now, we have Dahok! That god who tried to take over and impregnated Gabrielle. She’s feared him sense. Will it work?” The paper was flung up on a Frisbee, “Okay, it says. That beep beep beep, get the beep away from her! I’ll take that as a no. Get lost Mister!” He leaves and the crowd cheers. “Now, we have another god, this one goes by the name Morpheus. He sent his priests out to get a young lady who hasn’t killed and they brought back Gabrielle in “Dreamworker”. Now she didn’t want to be in relationship at that time and refused to kill. Xena saved her.” “No, are you an idiot?!” The crowd yelled, along other more choice words. “Sorry, guy, but I can’t let ya have her.” Gabrielle was smiling, enjoying all the attention she was getting and hopping that they chose a good guy for her to be with. “Now we have Joxer the Mighty! Their relationship started in “Callisto and didn’t end until his death in “Livia”. A few major turn points were “Chakram” and “Eternal Bonds”. She said she loved him, just not the way he wanted. Think they could work it out?” The crowd was quite torn by this one. Half said yes, the other half said no. Aphrodite had to the tie and make it a no. “Sorry, bud, but you got Meg and kids.” He left in tears. “Next in line is...o! Me! Our relationship can be seen in “God you know”. And we both have blonde hair. We were also able to work together in “Little Problems”. And ya know, I could always spruce her up a bit more, I am a goddess.” “NO!!!!!! BEEP NO!” Aphrodite looked discouraged, then shrugged, “Okay, onto Draco! He was shot with Cupid’s eros in “Comedy of Eros”, and never recovered. Can he grow on her?” Draco started singing and half the crowd went unconscious, the rest were reaching for ear plugs while yelling, “Get him off! Kill him! Make him go away!” “Okay big boy! Get off my stage so we can see Iolous! These two are both sidekicks and shared their first kiss in “Prometheus,” their relationship continued in “Judgment day,” where you can tell they like each other.” “They’re hot!” “Okay, Iolous go stand in the corner opposite of Virgil. We’ll get back to you later, but right now we have Eli to deal with.” Eli struts onto the stage peeling Eve off of him. “Eli and Gabrielle used to be teacher and student, but she decided that his way was not for her. You can see their some-what relationship in “The Way,” and “Chakram”. He’s currently in a relationship.” The crowd was silent then yelled, “NO!” Eli was pushed off the stage by the force of their words. “Hmm...guess not bud. Now we have Beawolf, from the “Norse Trilogy”, he was obsessed with Gabrielle. And she we believe had a small thing for him. Can it go farther?” Once again, there was a tie that Aphrodite had to break. She decided no, because he was too ugly for her. He walked off the stage in tears with the help of several members from the crowd. “Poor guy. Sorry. Now, we have Autolycus the King of Thieves! He and Gabrielle shared a kiss in “The Quest”, was it serious? Did it mean something?” A piece of paper with lipstick stuck to it was thrown to the goddess. “Welp, sorry, Auto, you’re not for her either. Hey! Get out of my purse! Get off my stage!” She threw a few love bolts at him that hit the floor. “Humph! Now we have Ares, yet again! They bonded in “The Quill is Mightier”. He used her in “Succession” and “Seeds of Faith”. Can they be man and wife?” The vote was sent up and Aphrodite read it to herself. “Okay, first off you guys don’t need to insult me! Second, Ares, sorry, it won’t work!” He walked off the stage with a gleam in his eye. “Now, we have Lyceus, Xena’s younger brother. “Remember Nothing”, showed us their attraction to one another. What could it be now? He fights as does she.” The vote came and it was a tie, which was broken making it a yes. “Alright, we have three finalists: Virgil, Iolous, and Lyceus! Who will win? Well let’s see. For this I have had pictures of what their children would look like made. I will show you these, and by that you will decided who we’re putting with our Gabrielle.” She held up a picture of what Virgil and Gabrielle’s children would look like. The crowd laughed and Aphrodite shook her head. “Sorry, Virgil, you gotta go.” Next was Iolous, which was a tie that ended up being a no. And last of all they saw Lyceus and Gabrielle’s child. “OHHHHH!! AHHHHH!! YEEEESSS!!!” “Well! There’s the answer! Yes it is!” She turned to look at Gabrielle and Lyceus only to see that they were kissing in the middle of the stage. “Um....hey get off my stage with that! Remember one week together, alone! Be good.” They walk off the stage holding hands. “Well, nice choice yet again. It seems you guys have excellent taste.”
Chapter 4: Xena
“Alright people we have Xena the Warrior Princess herself now! And she’s been through more men than Gabrielle! This should be fun,” Aphrodite says shaking her breasts. All the men in the crowd go goo-goo eyed, then Xena walks on stage and sits down. The crowd ooo’s and ahhh’s. “Alright! Let’s get this party started! First on our long list is...o..Gabrielle, well we’ve already decided that’s a no. Umm....next is...Hower from “A Day in the Life”. He was obsessed with her, she threatened to wear wolf skin and stop bathing. He finally went back to his Girlfriend, Minya. Would it work with him and Xena? Should they give it another try?” The crowd boo’s and throws cookies at Hower. Xena laughs and points at Hower who is eating the cookies. “Okay, STOP IT everyone! Hower get off my stage! I have crumbs in my hair!” She flashed and once again she was perfect. “Now, for Darius from Chariots of War! He’s a family man who saved Xena. Both him and his three kids fell in love with the newly redeemed Warrior Princess. Could they be together again?” A note came flying up to her and she laughed. “No, I guess not! He’s just too tacky for her! She needs a real man! Okay, sorry Darius. Tough luck.” Xena kissed his cheek gently and then he left. Aphrodite smiles, “How cute! Can we get on with it now?” Seeming satisfied, she continues, “Okay, we have Ulysses! A small fling happened between him and Xena in the episode of the same name as his. But, it ended up that Xena convinced him to return to his wife. Should they try a real relationship?” “Cheaters should die! Get rid of him! Hang him!” “Another nope. Hmm..Xena, you’re hard to pick for. Just too many flings.” Xena smiled and flipped a dagger casually with a slight hint of a threat directed towards the Goddess. “Right! On we go! We have Hercules! The highlights of their ‘fun’ relationship can be seen in “Unchained Heart”, but we have always been able to tell that the warrior babe had a crush on him. Remember Gabrielle thought that he might be the father of Xena’s child in “Animal Attractions”. Can they get this act together and drop their sidekicks for some private time?” A note came up to her, “No, she was with his brother a little too much. It would be messed up. Okay, sorry Herc, there’s a whore house across the road.” “Must be yours,” he said walking off the stage. “JERK! Now! Where were we? Ahh..yes, we’re onto Akemi from “A Friend in Need”. This young woman bonded with Xena when she was after the money the girls dad would pay. Xena redeemed her while sacrificing herself. Should they get hitched?” “Ewwww!! No!! Please!! NO!!!! Don’t!” “Okay, you heard little girl, get off. I don’t like you either! So HA!” Xena flipped the dagger again. “I mean, I’m sorry, but no.” Xena smiled and the crowd laughed. “Oh shut-up, your all so scared of her you’d wet yourselves if she even looked at you wrong. Next we have Theodorus and Estragon. We’ve decided to take them together sense they’re both seen in “The Warrior Princess”. Xena used them as she did with men then, except my big bro. Could they learn to play nice?” A ball was thrown at her which Xena caught and read, “Hell no. It just isn’t right. Hey! I agree with you there. Go on boys or else I’ll kill ya again.” “Xena! That’s my job! Well, okay, by the way, you two need a bath. Now, we have someone who does smell very good. Come on out Marcus from “The Path Not Taken”. He was killed while redeeming himself, Xena sung at his funeral. Later she killed him again because of her love for him in “Mortal Beloved”. What ya say peeps? Do we finally got one?” “YES! GOOD ONE XE!” “Alright! Cha-ching! Go stand over there hottie.” He looks pleased with himself at being called hottie by the Goddess of Love. Xena leans over to him, “Don’t take her serious. She calls her brother stud-muffin.” “Now, Xena you’re supposed to be quiet! Next we have Calisto!” “Psycho, not lover!! No more lesbo! No more lesbo!” “Okay, I guess this means we cut off Lao Ma?” they cheer at the idea. “There goes part of my fun. Oh well. Let’s go onto Palaemon from “Blind Faith”. He started off wanting to kill Xena, but soon became her guild and then friend. I think it could have been more, what about you?” A perfume bottle was tossed up at her. “They’re cute, but she’s changed too much now.” A woman stood up in the crowd, “I want him!!!” “Sit down! Okay, you can have him for all I care. Just sit down and put a shirt on!” She did just that and Palaemon went to sit with her. “Okay, lets go onto Caesar, Julius Caesar, he’s from-.” “I thought we said no more women! Get it off!” “There’s that answer.” Xena was on the floor laughing and Caesar was jotting down names to add to his hit list. “Hmm....next on the list is Odin. They used to be together back in the day as we are told in “The Norse Trilogy”. Okay, I, Aphrodite am knocking this one off. He’s ugly and just ew.” Xena continues laughing hysterically. “Yes, yes, shut-up Xena, now we have Maphius. Xena and him were engaged in “Remember Nothing”. She didn’t fight then, at least not much. She was also always pursponing the wedding. Think she could finally tie the knot with him?” A big beach ball was tossed to her with a note scribbled on it, “Well, he’s okay, but they’re not for each other. It just wouldn’t work. He’s a bit too nice. Xena always needs her trouble. Well, okay, sorry, Maphius, but stick around and see if ya can find some nice chick for yourself.” Women start jumping up and down and he lunges into the crowd and caught by them. “Next we have with us, Iolous, sidekick to Hercules. Their passionate, but traitorous relationship started and ended in “The Warrior Princess”, but sense she changed, they’ve been friends. Can they work through their problems and become lovers?” The crowd boos and ahhs, it was obviously a tie. “Well, it’s left up to little me. Hmmm..Well, blondey I wanna save ya for myslef, so it’s a no.” A riot starts in the crowd. “Stop it or else!!! I said stop now! NOW! Damn it stop!” They suddenly stop and sit back down very still. “That’s better, glad to see ya respect the Great Goddess of Love.” They laugh and point at Xena who’s flipping her chakram around. “Oh. Well, onto the next victim, opps! Contestant. We have Pompey from “When in Rome..”. He was a friend of Caesar’s, only much cuter, she was there to free a man. They ended up heavily flirting with one another. Later in “End Game” she killed him. Could they make the flirting go farther?” The vote is passed up to her. “That was original. Let’s see what ya got to say? No. Well, were’s the rest?” A flying chicken lands on the floor in front of her with a note. “Hmm...No. No more to say. We just say no. Fine, be that way!” The crowd snickers and Xena shakes her head. “Now we have my brother Ares God of War. Their relationship was clearly love in “The Reckoning” and he admitted his love in “God Fearing Child”. But it was never clearer than in “Motherhood”. Then she admitted that she felt something in “Amphipolis Under Siege” and later told him that he got to her in “Coming Home”. Should they try a relationship again after all these years?” Cheers go out around the room and Aphrodite smiles happily. “Alright! Yeah! Go stand over their Ares!” He smirked and walked over to the corner she had pointed at. “Now we have Petracles, a warlord from Xena’s past that showed his face in “A Fistful of Dinars”. He had once been engaged to Xena and later died doing a good deed. After all the years apart, he still had the wedding bracelet she had given him. Aw! Can they work things out?” A dead rabbit was handed to her, “Eww! Groody! What is it with you people? Okay, so nope, he’s uglier than Hades’ butt. Hey! How do you know what my uncle’s butt looks like?” They hold up a picture. “Eww! Where did you freaks get that? Wait! I don’t wanna know. On with the show! Next up is Mark Antony from “Anotony and Cleopatra”. He wanted her navy, she wanted to know who killed Cleopatra and to be on the right side in the end. She betrayed him after he admitted his love for her. Can they put their hatred behind them?” “That wench! Let me go! I’m going to kill her! I wanna rip out her throat! I said let go of me! Damn it let me go!” “Hmm...folks, I think I must say this won’t work. Get off my stage!” He leaves, grumbling to himself how he should have listened to his mother and been monk. “Okay, guys, we have four left. Finally we’re almost over! Now, we have Autolycus, the King of Thieves. His adoration for her is plenty obvious in “The Royal Couple of Thieves,” can it go farther? I don’t think so, but hey, what ya guys think?” “Nope!! Not really! Wrong for each other!” “Sorry, Auto, you heard ‘em. Asta! Three left! Borias is next on our list. We first learn of their relationship in “The Dept”, then see how far it went in “Adventures in the Sin Trade”, among other episodes. Now that she’s good, could they work it out?” A trained bird came and gave her the vote, “Yes, we think so. And we love his accent. Okay, stud, go stand over their.” Both Marcus and Ares give him dirty looks which he returns. “Alright, two down, two to go! Now we have Rafe, another dead guy. Their fling happened in “King Con”, Xena always did have a thing for bad boys. What ya think?” For a change the crowd sent up a goat in pink undies and a bra on it’s head. It held a note, “No. This is just another no. Hey people! That’s mine! Why’s my stuff on a goat? How’d you guys get that? Get it off the goat!” Rafe runs to help the Goddess. “Oh my hero! Now give me those! And get off my stage!” She’s booed at. “Oh, I’m sorry, but you need to leave now Rafe.” She gently kissed him on the cheek and he passed out. “Clean up on the stage! Pronto people! Okay, thanks. Now we have to let Draco have his turn. He was seen in “Sins of the Past” and the beginning of “Comedy of Eros”, as in love with Xena as she is with her horse. The only time she shared these feelings were when she was under the influence of my stupid son’s eros. Could a relationship deal with them?” The crowd booed. “Get a hair cut jerk! nice scar!! HAHAHA!” “Hey, be nice or else I’ll sick Xena on ya! Sorry, Draco, but it’s a nope. Go on, leave now.” “I love Gabrielle!!!!!!” “That’s nice. Now, we have three men lined up for the Warrior Babe, but she can only have one. Who will it be? Marcus? Ares? Or Borias? Let’s bring out the pictures and find out. First up we have Marcus, here’s their kid!” “Eww NOOOO!!!!” Aphrodite studies the picture, “Okay, guess you’re right. Next we have Borias and we didn’t even have to make this picture because they had a son, Solon.” “Not cute! No way!” “Hey Solon was adorable!” “Xena you aren’t supposed to talk. Now Ares, which I personally think is too cute!” “AWWWWWWW!!!! SO CUTE!” Xena jerks the picture so that she can see, “Aww... I didn’t just say that.” “Well! We have our answer finally for Xena The Warrior Princess.” Ares reaches his hand out towards her and she takes it. “We’ll see you back in a week.”
Chapter 5: And it Went...
“Now, we have our three couples back after a weak alone together. Let’s see how it went. First we’d like to have Eve and Eli come on the stage. Eve what do you think?” “We’re engaged.” “Okay, Eli would you like to add anything to that?” “WE’RE ENGAGED!” “Okay, thank-you, call me if ya need help with the wedding.” The exit the stage with applous following them. “Now, let’s talk to Gabrielle and Lyceus. So how did it go?” Gabrielle smiles, “Fine, of course. We’re not engaged yet, but we’re quite happy together.” “She talks so much, I love it and her!” “Aww..thank-you sweetie.” “Your welcome honey butt.” They start kissing on the couch. “Hmm..okay, clean up on the stage couch!” The two are taken behind stage. “Now, we have Xena and Ares.” No one comes on stage. “I said: Now we have Xena and Ares!” Still no one. “Hmm..I wonder where they are.” Xena’s chakram flew into the floor by Aphrodite’s feet with a note. “It’s great. Sorry we’re not on stage, we got carried away. Talk to ya later. Oh, we’re not engaged yet, but we will be as soon as Ares asks me, but he doesn’t know that. We also plan to have kids..later. Okay, bye.” Aphrodite smiled to herself. “Well, It’s all in a day’s work. Now this ends our contest. Thank-you for being here and please leave contributions for the orphans. Thank-you. Thank-you. Bye bye now. Hey give me back those undies!”
-End-