Lissia's Xena/Ares Fan Fiction
I sit and put a
hand to my head, trying to stop the spinning of the room. Gabrielle is next to me, doing something very
similar. “How?” I ask weakly.
Was it Callisto? Michael? Ares?
I stop at the last one and shake my head, then look around the room. Eli is standing to my right. “Eli?”
He nods and my vision blurs a little. I hear footsteps, frantic
footsteps coming my way. Two people rush
in, one goes to Gabrielle’s side and the other comes to stare at me. “Amarice?”
She nods, “Hi Xena. I found
this,” she says handing me my broken Chakram.
I look down at it and my heart sinks.
I had forgotten that it broke.
Now it’s gone forever. “We can
get it fixed, right?” Amarice asks,
hopefully. I shake my head sadly and I
feel a hand on my shoulder. It’s Gabrielle
with Joxer next to her. I smile, trying
to put on a happy face for them, inside though my heart is breaking. This weapon was a one of a kind piece of art. And it was a gift to me, a very special gift
from-. “My God,” Eli says, explaining to
Gabrielle how he was able to bring us back.
He looks confused for a minute and turns to me, “Xena, there was someone
in here, a woman, she said that you had saved her soul. She offered me strength so I could bring you
both back to us.” Callisto, she’s finally
forgiven me, maybe now I can forgive myself for Cirra. Gabrielle smiles at me, letting me know that
she too has come to an understanding with Callisto. My voice is weak when I turn to Amarice and
ask, “My clothes?” The girl hangs her
head, “I was able to get the Chakram and Gabrielle’s scrolls. That’s all.
I’m sorry Xena.” I nod and put a
hand on her shaking shoulder.
Tears? From this strong
girl? I pull her closer and she cries
into my hair repeatedly saying that she’s sorry. I stroke her hair, “It’s alright. Clothes are replaceable. Amazing works of art and Chakrams
aren’t. You did the right thing. Calm down, Amarice. It’s all alright now. Shh.”
After a few minutes, she nods against my shoulder. She pulls away and blushes when the others
look at her. Joxer lays two robes on
the, well whatever it is we’re sitting on, and him and Eli leave us to get
dressed. Amarice helps for neither I nor
Gabrielle have our balance or strength back.
Walking slowly, Gabrielle and I exit the little room we are in and make our way towards a path, where Joxer and Eli are waiting for us. Joxer rushes over to Gabrielle and puts an arm around her, helping to support her. “Thank you, Joxer,” she says quietly. She’s been very quite, well, I’m sure she has a lot on her mind. The walk to town is long and I end up leaning on Amarice a little. I feel uncomfortable in this robe and with no weapons. Tears threaten to fall when I think of my lost sword, my armor and leather. And when I remember the Chakram a tear does fall. This doesn’t go unnoticed by the girl helping me. She squeezes me gently and I smile down at her. She’s grown, not physically, but she has matured quite a bit. Oh, the things she must have gone through to get our dead bodies, my Chakram, and Gabrielle’s scrolls. I wonder if she read the scrolls or if she saw Gabrielle fight. She’s looking at Gabrielle in a new light, a light that holds a lot of respect. I let the thought leave with the wind and smile as my hair blows away from my face. I’ve tied the two pieces of my Chakram to the inner lining of my robe and they clank against my skin as I walk on.
Once in town, it’s far too late to find clothes and weapons. Both Gabrielle and I know that we look like fools when we enter the Inn, but we’re too tired to care. Carefully, we’re helped up to our rooms. I smile and wonder where they got the money to get us each a separate room, but it doesn’t matter. The door closes as Amarice leaves and goes to her room. That’s about when it hits me, I’m starving. I mean I’m more that just a little hungry, I’m down right starving. “Amarice, wait,” I call. The girl reopens the door, “What’s wrong?” A small smile creeps onto my lips, “Could you get me some food? I don’t think I have the energy to go back downstairs.” She smiles brightly and her eyes light up, “Sure thing.” She rushes out of the room with purpose and I smile, maybe she hasn’t matured that much. Suddenly I shudder and go to shut the window only to find it closed already. I reach for my sword, but of course it’s not there. “Who’s there?” I can only hope that my voice doesn’t quake. There’s light laughter, but no one replies. Maybe it was just my imagination. Amarice walks in and sees me poised for battle. She looks around, then sets the try on the bed stand, “Xena, it’s alright. We’re safe here.” She looks scared. “By the Gods, Xena, sit down before you fall,” she says taking my arm and leading me to the bed. She feels my forehead, then sighs, “No fever, but you’re paler than a ghost. What’s wrong?” I shake my head, unsure of the answer and decide to brush it off, “Just a chill, I guess.” She nods, “I’ll be next door if you need anything.” I nod and after giving me one last worried glance, she leaves the room. I stare after her, she reminds me of someone, but who? Maybe it’s Gabrielle, the Gabrielle that followed me to Amphipolis and refused to leave my side. Maybe it’s me, the me I was with Lyceus in the streets, picking fights and planning for battle. She’s so stubborn and hotheaded, so disrespectful, she has no sense of authority, but she’s tender and cares so much. Who do I know like that? Well, there’s ‘Him,’ of course. I slap myself in the forehead. I must be tired if that sweet girl reminds me of ‘Him.’ “Oh, Xena, you need some down time,” I say to myself, hoping to convince myself of it. I eat all of the food that I can and finish of the mead, then lay on the bed. Another chill courses through my body, but I’m too tired to think of it. I pull the blankets around me and snuggle into them. Still the chill is there, then suddenly it’s gone and I feel warm and safe. A content sigh escapes my lips and I snuggle into the blankets.
The sun is pouring through the window when I wake up. I stretch and look around. As I move, I notice something’s amiss. My Chakram! I franticly search the bed, then find it next to a tray of food on the bed stand. I don’t remember taking it off. And where did that food come from? And what is that comforting smell? It’s not the food. I shake my head, I just need to get weapons and armor and everything will be alright. Amarice walks in carrying a tray of food. She stops when she sees me eating and I stare at her questioningly. She stares right back, then smiles, “I guess Eli thought of it first.” I nod and it makes sense, Eli has always been an early riser. She sits on the bed next to me and I can tell something is wrong. I put a hand over hers, “What’s wrong?” She glances away, “Nothing, just a dream.” Now, I’ve had my share of damning dreams and I know that dreams are not a nothing, they are a something. “Tell me about,” I say gently. She sighs, “It was about my mother. I never knew her, you see. She left me on the outskirts of a little village. Everyone swears it’s impossible, but I remember crying as she walked away from me. But in my dream, after she left, a man came and rescued me. He told me he was my father and that everything would be fine. He told me that he would get my mother to come back to us. Truth is a little girl found me and her mother took me in. I got rebellious and left them a few years ago. Ephiny found me, she took me in as an Amazon because I had the heart of one. It was the first time I felt truly loved. I had actually secretly hoped that she was my mother who was finally back to claim me. Silly, huh?” I stare at her, Could it be? I shake my head, no, that’s not possible. “That’s not silly Amarice. Every child hopes to find her mother. I’ve never asked, but how old are you?” She blushes, could she be that young? “Fifteen,” she says quietly. I stagger back a little, it could be possible, but no, I would have known sooner, right? I shake my head again and stand up, retying my Chakram to the inside of my robe, “Let’s go get the others. I need clothes and weapons. I’m starting to lose my mind.” We both laugh, but she doesn’t know how close to the truth that statement is.
The market is busy. Obviously, the owners of the various shops are happy about it, I, on the other hand, am not. People eye me and Gabrielle. They think we’re outsiders. This is Rome, so I guess we are. I wish I could be back in Greece, but that journey won’t start until after we get supplies. I stop and get a shift at one stall, a simple white one that reminds me of my other one. The man smiles and won’t let me pay for it. I slip a dinar into his pocket when he’s not looking, he’ll find it soon enough. I can smell leather and I close my eyes to take in the smell. It makes me smile, until a chill goes through my body again. I stiffen and look around, then reach down and find comfort in my Chakram pieces. Gabrielle’s found some blank scrolls at one of the stalls and she’s put them into her saddle bag with the others that Amarice rescued. My motley crew and I walk into the leather store and the owner laughs at us. I’m sure we’re quite a sight to see. I glare at him and Amarice fixes quite a threatening look on him that makes him shrink back. I look over at her and shake my head, that look, it looks so much like, nope! I am not going there. I playfully push her, “Don’t do that, you’re making me look bad.” She smiles brightly and begins to rush around the store, looking at the different bodices and armor pieces. I sigh, I don’t like shopping, but right now, it’s very necessary. There’s a black leather bodice much like my old brown one on the far wall. It’s been oiled and gleams in the light. I like it. I smile at Gabrielle and she holds up a brown leather two piece set. It has hooks for weapons and she seems to like that about it. She’s serious about fighting now. We head into a closed off section and change. We walk out, ten times more comfortable. Joxer hands us some boots and we quickly lace them on. Weapons and armor, that’s all we have left to find. Eli takes the robes from us and sells them at a nearby stall. We pay the leather shop owner fifteen dinars and leave. I can hear medal being pounded and my heart leaps. Then it sinks when I remember that my Chakram is broken, irreparable and irreplaceable. Gabrielle squeezes my hand, “We’ll find something, Xena. Don’t worry.” The wind seems to echo her last sentence and I can’t help but wonder if it’s truly the wind or someone else. I stride into the shop and the small man stops hammering the horseshoe long enough to look me over and smile, “We have much for women like you.” I smile and nod, “So I see.” Gabrielle and I walk around with Joxer trailing behind us. Eli waits outside, not wanting to come in. And Amarice is talking to the short man, using hand signals and vivid bits of imagery. She’s trying to explain my Chakram and he’s staring at her like she’s been possessed by the Furies themselves. I sigh, her heart’s in the right place, but it’s not possible. I find silver armor and put it on over my leather. I feels good and looks just as amazing as my old stuff. It doesn’t have the same memories though. Gabrielle is fingering two matching daggers. I smile, “They’re called sias. Here let me show you,” I say taking them from her hand. I hold them firmly and spin them around, flicking one at a wall and pointing the other at her throat. She smiles, “I like them. I can hook them onto my boots. They’re a good weight. What do you think?” She retrieves the first sia and places it along with the second in her boots. Little Gabrielle playing with weapons. I can’t stop her this time. At least it’s not a sword, yet. I nod, “They’ll do you good. But wouldn’t you rather have another staff?” She glares at me and my hands go up in a defeated manner, “Fine, fine, I get it. Grab a few of those daggers over there will ya?” I grab a sword and smile into it’s surface. I turn it around and thrust it a few times. It’s perfect, not a flaw on it. And the blade is sharp. Gabrielle holds out five daggers. I nod and put one in each boot. I put the breast dagger in its rightful place and another dagger goes to my hip. I stare at the fifth. It’s another breast dagger and Gabrielle keeps it. I sigh, “Think you can keep it in there this time?” She laughs and pushes me. I sheath the sword and put the scabbard on my back. I redraw the sword and smile, then resheath it. The Chakram pieces are held tightly in one hand and when I look down at them a pain rips through my chest. Why the Chakram? Of all the things to break, why did it have to be that? I feel Gabrielle take them out of my hand. She looks down at them, then sets them on a table, “Xena, it’s time to let go. It’s gone and you said it can’t be fixed. Let it go.” I jerk away and snatch it up, “No.” She doesn’t understand, it’s all I have left of a time long ago. It holds so many memories for me. I can’t just let it go. Amarice rushes over and smiles at us, obviously happy to have me looking normal and Gabrielle looking and acting like a warrior. No, she’s not a warrior, not yet. She takes the Chakram and smiles, “The man is clueless. Where did you get it? Maybe we can go there and they can fix it.” She so wants to see the Chakram in one piece. So do I, but it’s not possible. “Amarice, it’s not going to happen. Someone gave it to me as a gift. They taught me how to use it and I knew then that there would never be another. It’s a piece of art and the only of it’s kind. I’ve destroyed it and lost it forever. There’s nothing we can do about it.” I bite back tears and close my eyes. Everyone sees my sorrow, but they think it’s for the weapon, when truly it’s for what it meant to me. Amarice doesn’t look discouraged, “Well, maybe they can fix it. Who gave it to you?” She never gives up and her eyes are begging me to give in. I sigh and stalk from the shop. To answer her question, I say shortly, “A God.” Gabrielle runs and grabs my arm, “Ares?” She guesses. She had no clue, but oh she should have known. There’s always been so much between me and ‘Him.’ Amarice looks at me in a new light, “Ares? Don’t you think he would fix it?” I shake my head, “Not anymore.” My voice is full of resentment and my heart is full of pain. Another chill makes it through my body and I draw my sword with one hand and hold the broken Chakram in the other. It might be broken, but the edges are still sharp. “Who’s there?” I call into the wind. I smile when I hear my voice coming out coolly and full of threat. The wind blows and I swear I can hear someone whispering, “A friend,” but that’s crazy, for there is no one there. I shake my head and Gabrielle puts an arm around me, “You need to rest, Xena. You’re really jumpy. Let’s pay this guy and get to the ship.” I nod, still wondering about this chill that follows me wherever I go. I’ll figure it out, I just need to give my senses time to recover.
The ship rocks and Gabrielle is miserable. It’s nice to see that some things never change. We’ll dock in Sparta in three days. I hope Argo is alright. Joxer claims that he took good care of her, I’m sure he did. He’s a good man. Eli walks into the cabin I am sharing with Amarice and Gabrielle. They are both up top trying to get a bit of fresh air. Eli sits next to me, “Something is troubling you, Xena. What is it?” I shake my head, “I don’t know. I feel like someone’s watching me. It’s not that they’re threatening, but it isn’t right. I can’t put my finger on it yet.” He knows there’s more, I can see it in his eyes. He places a hand over mine, “What else, Xena?” I sigh, it’s not like this is any of his business, but he did save my life and he is trying to help. “It’s Amarice. She reminds of someone I was very close to. And she reminds me of myself.” He nods, “I see a lot of you in her. Why is that?” Could it be true? Could she be? And could Eli know? How? I’m sure my unsurity is plastered on my face. He smiles, “Could she possibly be of any relation to you?” I close my eyes, how does he know when I myself am not sure? I find myself nodding my head and explaining, “After my brother Lyceus was killed I went on a bit of a rampage. I’m sure you know about that. What most people don’t know is that I was in a rather intimate relationship at the time. I ended up pregnant and I kept the fact from the father, even though that meant I had to stay away from him. I gave birth, left the child and went out to sea to be a pirate. When I returned to Greece, many years later and pregnant with Solon, I struck up my old relationship with the father and things, though less intimate, for I felt that I could never trust anyone again, went back to how they were before.” He nods in understanding, “You believe that Amarice is that child you left behind,” he states. I nod, why did I tell him this? Eli, of all people, and I just spilled the darkest secret I have left. He strokes my hand gently, “Who is the father?” I jerk away and finger the Chakram. He looks down at it and nods, “I see. You have to deal with this your way, Xena. But I am here if you need me and so are Gabrielle, Joxer, and Amarice. And I’m sure if you talked to the father he would help too.” I huff at the last part, “That’s not possible, Eli.” He shakes his head sadly, “You would be amazed, Xena.” We sit in silence until Amarice and Gabrielle return to the cabin.
I breathe in the air as I exit the boat. Gabrielle has already rushed off the boat and is standing in the middle of the road, turning in circles. She runs and gives me a hug, “We’re home,” she breathes. I smile at her, “Yes, we are. Now let’s get some real food and find Argo.” She smiles at me. A chill spreads over me, the first sense leaving Rome and I jump a little. That son of a Baccheae! Why didn’t I realize it before? I brush it aside, hoping he will leave. But, why would he? He follows us, probably thinking that I don’t know it’s him. Seeing Argo makes me forget about him. But of course that’s when he decides to show himself. The others don’t see him and I throw him what I hope is a death glare from on top of Argo. I reach to where the Chakram should be, hoping to catch him off guard, then curse myself. It’s not there, it’s destroyed. The pieces still rest inside my leather sack. I look down, then pull Argo to a stop in front of her stall, “Good girl. Don’t worry, we’re going to head out tonight.” I walk into the tavern with my friends silently following me. They haven’t mentioned the glare or the reach for the Chakram. I hope they never do. We sit at a table and relish in the taste of real Greek food.
Somehow, Joxer has arranged for us to have separate rooms. I can’t help but wonder where he got the money from. But, it’s not important. I smile and give him a quick hug in thanks before walking into my room. I swing the window open and breath in the fresh air. There’s only a hint of salt in it. I toss my stuff onto the bed, then remove my armor and sit next to my bag. I rummage through my bag until I find both pieces of my beloved Chakram. In the privacy of my room, back in my homeland, I cry. I let the tears pore from my eyes and splash onto the pieces. A chill works it’s way through me, then I feel warm. It’s a warmth I recognize from that night in Rome and many before it. I jerk and my elbow hits something, no someone solid. I compose myself, not about to let him see me cry like this, then turn to glare at him. Yes, I was right, Ares is sitting there, with his arms around me. My head was on his chest before I moved to look at him, now it’s even with his. I hope my eyes are showing my anger. Honestly, I’m comforted by his presence, but I can’t let him know that. I must remain strong and hard because... Why? He’s bad for me, that’s why. I’ll keep telling myself that and maybe one day I will actually believe it. I jerk out of his arms, “Stalking me now?” His eyes are soft and full of regret and loss and lo-no, not that. I’ve seen this look before. He gave me this look the day Lyceus died and the day I gave up Solon and the day I left him. I bite the inside of my lip as these memories float through my head. He’s thinking them too. Damn him, why hasn’t he responded. He’s just shaking his head. “Well?” I ask, growing quite uncomfortable. He sighs and puts his arms around me again, “I thought I had lost you forever.” My heart stops for a minute, then speeds up. I stop myself from melting into him and jerk away, “You have lost me, Ares. I’m never coming back.” His expression, his oh so soft and caring expression turns to one of anger, “Back? I don’t want you back, Xena, not anymore. You died and I mourned for you. I tried to being you back, but I couldn’t. And then, after Eli brought you back, you didn’t even recognize my presence. And the only time you didn’t take it as a threat was when you were half asleep and I stayed to protect and comfort you.” He’s yelling and I swear the others have heard him and will be here any minute. But they don’t come and I can feel my defenses breaking down. In one last attempt to save face, I order, with no emotion what so ever, “Leave.” It’s one little word and I could barely get it out of my mouth. He mourned me and tried to bring me back. Could he still care? Is it possible? Is he reading my mind? No, he’s not. It’s the only question I am able to answer. He doesn’t leave, but changes the subject, “So, who’s the new brat?” I laugh bitterly, your damn daughter, moron. No, I can’t tell him that. “An Amazon. She’s good in battle, I’m amazed you haven’t noticed her before.” After all, she’s only from your blood. Gods above, I actually want to tell him. But that’s risking too much. Why won’t he just leave? He smiles, “I’ve noticed her. She has no control, no respect, but seems to be loyal enough. She would never last in one of my armies.” I laugh at the absurdity that here he is telling me that his daughter, my daughter wouldn’t make it in his army. He obviously doesn’t find anything funny and just stares at me as I laugh. “I missed something,” he says. I nod, “A lot.” I slipped and now that I’ve said it, I know it was a mistake. He raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t push it, “Give me your Chakram,” he orders. I grasp the pieces tighter and stare at him distrustfully. I don’t know why, I just can’t let go of them. He takes my hands, gives them a gentle squeeze, then removes them from the two pieces. He looks them over, “You’ve pulled quite a number on this beautiful thing, haven’t you?” He’s trying to make me feel guilty and it’s working, for I’ve been thinking the same thing for days now. He continues talking, “Of course, I’ve already looked it over before. Don’t worry, I created it, I can fix it for you.” He waves his hand over the pieces and they fuse back together. My heart swells and I could kiss him, wait, oh, I am kissing him. I let my mind catch up with my body and pull away from him. I look down and he puts the Chakram in my hands. “Thank you,” I say quietly. He lifts my chin and I know the tears surprise him. He wipes them away and leans in to kiss me again. I consider letting him, I want him to, but I can’t. I move away and shake my head. No words are necessary. He nods and is gone. I should feel happy, but I can’t. There was such disappointment and hurt in that last glance. I look down at the Chakram and smile, then frown, feeling guilty. He came to help, he fixed my Chakram, he showed me his heart, and I pulled away. I collapse onto the bed and curl into the covers, never letting the Chakram out of my grasp. A secret smile crosses my lips when I feel a chill. He’s in the room, watching me and I’m not going to stop him.
Gabrielle strolls into my room and shakes me awake, “Are you alright? By the Gods! It’s fixed! Xena? Xena!” I roll over, for once I would like to sleep in. It hits me, we were supposed to set out yesterday. Oh well. She’s noticed the Chakram which is still clutched firmly in my hand. I smile, “I have a fan.” I glance at the far wall, by the window. I know he’s there still and I can almost see the smile on his face. Gabrielle’s eyes go wide, “Ares?” At my nod, she continues, “Why? What was the deal? Did you promise him something?” I shake my head. What am I supposed to say? Oh, it’s just that he’s in love with me, that’s all Gabrielle, nothing to worry about. Yeah, she’ll take that well. Crap, I said love. Is it love? I know it is, I could see it last night and I could feel it in Rome. And I knew it all those years ago. I shrug, trying to stay on top of the conversation, “It’s an amazing piece of art and it does severe damage, did you really think he would leave it destroyed?” I can feel his disapproval, he knows I’m lying. Gabrielle buys it though and nods, “Oh, well, you have a good point there. Get ready and eat that food before it gets cold. I’m going to get us two more horses and I’ll make sure Argo likes them. I’ll meet you in the stable in a little while.” She walks out of the room, leaving me alone with him.
The room is full of tension and finally I explode, “Ares, stop hovering and show yourself.” He appears behind me, hovering over me. I swing my arm back and it makes contact with his chest, “I said stop.” He laughs, “Testy, huh?” I scowl at him, which is hard to do when he’s giving me that damn smile. “You lied to Gabrielle,” he states. I shake my head, “Oh, so there are strings, huh? Well, come on, what do you want?” I snap at him. He flinches at the sarcasm, then grows angry. I can see the fire burning in his eyes and I know he could fry me with a thought. But he won’t and he soon calms enough to speak. “There are no strings. That Chakram was a gift to you and I wasn’t about to let it remain in pieces with you in an emotional state over it.” Emotional state? I can’t help but laugh and he gives me a dirty look. “Why do you care so much?” I ask sarcastically. He snaps at me, “Because I lo-.” He stops before the word can be finished. “You what?” I ask, gently. If he’s about to say what I think he’s going to say, I might cry. He’s never used the words before, not with true emotion. With passion yes and with lust, but never with pure emotion. I almost hope he doesn’t say them. I won’t be able to pull away if he does, because deep down I love him too. I don’t know if it was my prompt that made him respond or something in my expression. But he relaxes and takes my hands in his, “I love you.” I close my eyes, trying to find a reason to move away from him, searching for something to say in return. I can’t let him know my feelings mirror his, it just wouldn’t do. As tears build up in my eyes and I feel my will disappearing, the door swings open and Amarice walks in. She smiles at me, then frowns and draws her sword. Ares stands up and I laugh as they both adopt the same stance. They turn to me with the same questioning expression and I laugh harder. Amarice turns an accusing pair of eyes on him, “What did you do?” He shrugs, totally bewildered as I sit on the bed, laughing until I fall over. I sit up and hold up my Chakram, hoping she will drop the matter and he will set it aside. She smiles first at me, then at him. She rushes passed him, stopping to give him a quick squeeze on the arm before reaching out and feeling the Chakram, searching for the breaks. “It’s amazing,” she breathes. He sits down next to me and I have an overwhelming urge to tell them both everything. I bite it back and turn to Amarice, “Come on, we need to get going.” Amarice nods and turns to Ares, “I’m sorry for how I treated you at first. You’re not too bad.” He shakes his head, not sure about how to reply to the compliment. To add to his discomfort, I smile at him, “Maybe she’s right.” He looks incredibly unsure of himself and Amarice and I share a smile. “Go on, Amarice, I’ll be there in a minute.” I don’t know why I wanted to be alone with him again, but it felt right. Of course it also felt right to tell him the truth, but I wasn’t about to do that. Amarice nods and closes the door behind her. A silence fills the room, as I finish collecting my things. “Try not to break the Chakram again anytime soon, alright?” He says, as he starts to disappear. A desperate feeling courses through me, “Wait,” I call after him. He stops and walks to me, “What’s wrong?” I shuffle through my feelings and I guess in the middle of it I started to cry because when I come back to my senses, he’s holding me close and my face is wet. I pull back and quickly look down, damn, why am I acting so weak? I haven’t cried sense I lost Gabrielle. Why am I crying now? And in front of him, no less! He raises my chin, “Stop that. You look down to no one,” he says quietly. I smile, he’s right, of course, I’ve never looked down, but I can’t help feeling embarrassed over my tears. He wipes them away, “Now, stop doing that crying thing. It’s giving me the creeps.” I know he’s trying to lighten the mood and he succeeds. I smile and nod slowly, “Alright, I’ll stop, but only to make you feel better,” I reply sarcastically. He smiles and pulls me closer for a minute. I pull away, “We have to stop doing this. It won’t end well.” He shakes his head, he doesn’t care about how it will end or if it will end or when it will end for that matter. He cares about the here and now and I find myself feeling the same way. He leans in and kisses me lightly and slowly I feel myself melting and responding to him. I finally pull away, a little out of breath and I know my face is flushed. “I have to go,” I say, rushing from the room.
I run into the stable and smile at my friends who are ready to go. I look at Amarice questioningly and she shakes her head. Good, she hasn’t told them about seeing Ares. I knew I could trust her. Gabrielle looks me over and I guess my face is still flushed because she asks, “Xena, are you alright?” I nod, “I’m fine, just glad to be hitting the road.” She doesn’t believe me, but she’s not in the mood to argue, so she drops it and mounts her horse. She pulls Joxer up behind her. Eli takes the third horse, which has most of the baggage on it. I mount Argo and Amarice hops up behind me, ignoring the hand that I had offered her. I smile and slam my heels into Argo, taking off at a fast trot.
An uneventful day leaves us resting in a clearing somewhere between Athens and Amphipolis. I’m guessing we’re midway, but without scouting around, I can’t be sure. Joxer’s trying to fish and Eli is sitting on a log doing absolutely nothing and he seems so damn pleased about it. I have this incredible urge to slap him. Gabrielle is cooking, as it turns out after lunch, which was cooked by Amarice, Gabrielle has decided that the only one aloud to cook, is herself. I guess Amarice inherited my lack of cooking skills. I always told Toris it was genetic. Toris. I wonder how he is. Where is he? I’ll have to hunt him down, I haven’t seen him in four years, well a little less. A warm breeze blows through the camp and I smile. It’s so good to be back in Greece. I look over at the fire, where Amarice was, but she’s not there. I smile when I see her helping Joxer fish. It seems that she has another of my skills for she’s using her hands to catch the fish. Gabrielle notices this and gives me a questioning look. I shrug. How much does Gabrielle know? I’m sure she suspects something by now. She walks over to me and sits down, “When did you teach her that?” Maybe she doesn’t know anything. “I didn’t teach her how to fish. She’s good at it though. Not as good as me, of course, but good.” Gabrielle huffs, clearly my answer wasn’t what she wanted. She does know. She gives me a rather pointed look, “Genetic, huh?” I half expected it, but a startled look spreads over my face. The look deepens when I feel an all too familiar presence at the edge of camp. It seems Amarice has noticed him too, for now she’s tense and about to draw her sword. Gabrielle is still staring at me, “Eli mentioned something to me about her past and yours. Why didn’t you tell me that you and Ares got that close? We could have found her sooner and maybe things would be different now.” So she knows and so does Ares and judging by the look on Amarice’s face, she knows too. My face goes hard, this is no time for an emotional outburst. “Things are as they are meant to be,” I say quietly. We make our own destiny, most of the time. I can feel it, this was meant to be. But, I’m not about to deal with them all at once. I stand up, but Gabrielle pulls me back down before I can leave. “Xena, why didn’t you tell me? Have you always known that she’s your daughter? Does Ares know? I thought we agreed that there would be no more secrets between us. Do you have any other kids?” So, the bard is still in her. Yippee. The whole camp is staring at me. Time to answer the questions. “I didn’t think you needed to know. I didn’t think I would ever see her again. I figured it out while we were in Rome, after Eli brought us back.” I have to be careful with this next one. I can’t let him know that I know he’s here and I don’t want Gabrielle to know either. More secrets. “No. We did agree no more secrets, but I didn’t think it mattered at the time. After all it wasn’t relevant. And no, I don’t have any other kids. Is that all?” Gabrielle stares in shock, Eli is smiling, damn him to Hell, Joxer is looking back and forth between me and Amarice, Amarice looks hurt, hopeful, and confused, and Ares, well, I’m not sure, in all honesty. None of this has gotten much of a reaction out of him, I shouldn’t worry about that though, the second I’m alone, I’ll get it all from him. So, why did I spill it all to Eli? Oh yeah, I was upset and thought I could trust him. I give him and evil glare and stalk out of camp.
I walk away from the camp, stopping deep in the woods. Ares has followed me and is about to appear when Amarice shows up behind me. “Is it true?” She asks, eyeing me distrustfully. I nod, “It’s true. You’re my daughter and the daughter of Ares.” How someone can look happy and hurt at the same time, I’ll never know, but she’s managed it well. She rushes to me and I pull her into a tight hug. “Why did you leave me? Why couldn’t I have a family?” She questions. My heart breaks, I never wanted to hurt her. “Amarice, I was a different person then. I wasn’t someone who could be a mother. I was fighting an inner battle and I was losing and falling into a darkness that would trap my whole being for ten years. I couldn’t be your mother, just as I couldn’t be a mother for Solon. I wish I could have given you a normal family, but I couldn’t. If I would have kept you, your father would have taken you, developed your skills, and used you for his own plots. And I would have let him, hell, I would have helped him. But, I didn’t want that for you. I wanted you to have something better. You probably don’t understand, but one day you will.” I feel angry eyes boring into my back. Obviously, Ares doesn’t agree with me on this. Nothing new there, he never agrees with me anymore. Amarice smiles up at me, “I understand. I know who you were then, I’ve read Gabrielle’s scrolls and I’ve heard stories about the Destroyer of Nations. Thank you for saving me. Is Ares, or dad, no, I can’t go that far. Is Ares someone we can trust?” She still wants a family. I wish I could give it to her. Her question is a good one though. Can we trust him? Now that he knows, will he take her away? Could he take her away? Things are going to be different, very different. A deep warmth wraps around us, I know it’s Ares, maybe she does too, for we both jerk away. I shake my head, “Amarice, I don’t know. He’s changed a lot sense then. Maybe we can trust him.” She’s listening, but she’s no longer in my arms, she’s standing in front of me, looking around, trying to find the source of that mysterious warmth. She makes eye contact with me before spinning around and drawing her sword, “Show yourself,” she demands. I smile and reach over to lower her sword, but she jerks me off, “Can’t you feel it?” She asks. I nod, “Yes, I can feel it. You’ll get used to it.” I turn away from her and address a tree, “Stop lurking in the darkness and acting like I don’t know that you’re here.” He doesn’t appear and I feel a bit hurt. Amarice looks at me and shakes her head, “I don’t understand.” I smile, “You will,” I say, throwing my Chakram at the tree. I expect it to stop in midair and be tossed back to me, but it hits something and stays there. I raise an eyebrow and Amarice gasps. What is wrong with him? I know he’s here and I know he’s leaning against that tree and I know that my Chakram is stuck in him. Irritated and cautious, I walk over to the tree and grab my Chakram, hoping that he will grab my wrist, which he does. As his hand wraps around my wrist, he appears and I smile. I jerk out of his grip and prepare to make a sarcastic comment, but the pain in his eyes stop me. Without looking away I say, “Amarice, go back to camp.” She starts to protest, then stops and leaves. Still keeping eye contact, I back away from him and sit on a fallen log. “Alright, what’s wrong?” He shakes his head and a flash of anger crosses through his eyes, “You never told me.” It’s a simple statement and there’s no emotion in it. Maybe I was wrong, maybe he doesn’t really care. The pain in his eyes convinces me otherwise. “I couldn’t. I didn’t want her life to be ruined.” He sits down next to me, “I understand that. But you’ve known for quite awhile now and you didn’t tell me. I asked who she was and you lied to me.” “No, she was living as an amazon when I met her, I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell you everything. Isn’t that what you usually do?” A nearby tree explodes as he directs his anger away from me. Maybe that last comment was a little much. I stand up, “I would say sorry, but I believe that I did the right thing. For what it’s worth, I didn’t mean to hurt you. We’ll talk some other time.” I walk away, leaving him behind me. He should stop me, but he doesn’t. I’m able to continue my walk back to camp, in peace, something I wasn’t expecting.
As soon as I hit the camp ground, that peace disappears. Gabrielle shoots me a horrible glare, “You should have told me.” I shrug, “Maybe. The opportunity never seemed to present itself.” That shuts her up, for now at least. I can feel the anger burning through her though. “Xena, things are as they should be,” Eli says from his position under a tree. I turn to him and snarl. It doesn’t seem to faze him for the smug smile remains plastered over his face. I stalk over to him, all too aware of Gabrielle reaching for her sais behind me. She doesn’t trust me. Well, she shouldn’t. I squat in front of Eli, “Trust you, huh? Well, that’s a load of laughs.” I draw my dagger and twirl it in front of him, but he isn’t fazed, “So, tell me Eli, did your God tell you to do this?” The smug smile remains on his face, “My God tells me many things Xena. One of which was that if you are to ever find peace this secret had to be told.” Peace? He thinks I have peace now? I slam the dagger into the tree next to ear, “Does it look like I have peace, Eli?” He shrugs, not at all bothered by the dagger, “Peace comes with time, Xena. Do not fear, my God will help you.” I could really hurt him and everyone here knows it. Gabrielle comes up beside me, sais drawn. She’s expecting me to do something to Eli. Little does she know, I can control myself just fine. “Eli, I don’t want your God’s help. I am grateful that he returned my life to me, but I would really appreciate it if he butted out of my life from now on. Is that understood?” My jaw is locked in a glare like that which I used on my men oh so many years ago. He is unfazed. “Xena, you do not mean what you say. Just wait, you will ask for my God’s help. One day you will need it or else you will lose all that is precious to you.” He says this so matter-of-factly. It really pisses me off. Knowing that I can do nothing more, I walk to sit next to Joxer, who’s still fishing. “Hi Joxer,” I say quietly. “Hi Xena. You okay?” “Yeah, thanks.” I smile. At least one person here isn’t going to give me hell over this. “She’s cute. She’s short and a red head, but she’s cute. You’re lucky to have her.” I look him over and laugh, “I know what you’re getting at, Joxer. She doesn’t look much like me or her father. But, it’s all true. My guess is that she got a few of her features from his side of the family. After all, they all look incredibly different.” He nods, “Oh, uh, yeah, I knew that.” He looks over at me, “You’re going to have to face Gabrielle eventually.” Sense when did he become the perceptive one, here? He’s right though and I nod, “Yeah, I know, Joxer. I just wanted to relish in a little peace for a few minutes. I have a feeling that it won’t be a fun night around the campfire.” He nods, but doesn’t reply. he’s fighting with something and we both know what it is. Gabrielle’s death really shook him up. He loves her so much. I hope this convinced him to tell her about his feelings. And I hope she can find a way to turn him down gently because I know she doesn’t love him like that. He’s like a little brother or a lost puppy. I wish she could love him the way he loves her, but my wishing isn’t going to get anything done. I walk up and sit next to Gabrielle, by the fire. “Let it out,” I order gently. She glares at me, “I just feel a little betrayed, that’s all. I mean after everything we’ve been through, you just couldn’t find the time to tell me about your daughter. And by the Gods, Xena, you couldn’t even tell me about Ares. I thought we were past all the secrets and the lying. I thought things were different, but I guess I was wrong. So, I guess when we promised that there would be no more secrets between us, it only meant that I wasn’t allowed to have any, huh?” She didn’t raise her voice or show emotion, she just said it and it stung worse than anything. I put a hand on her shoulder, “Tell me Gabrielle, are there things from your childhood that you haven’t told me? Little things that you’ve done and you don’t want to talk about.” She opens her mouth, but stops and nods sheepishly. I’m able to out talk her. “That’s what this was for me. It was a wonderful experience, but not something I ever wanted to talk about. I didn’t want to lie to you or keep things from you, I just didn’t want to talk about it. Don’t take it so personal, Gabrielle. No one else knew about it either.” She glares at me, “Yet you could tell Eli about it,” she spits out bitterly. She’s jealous of him. I laugh a little, “He already knew. I think his God told him or something. I only talked to him about it because he caught me at a weak moment. Otherwise I would have taken it to the grave. I wish I still had that option.” She smiles at me and I know she understands, “I’m glad you don’t have that option.” “Yeah, me too,” Amarice says from behind us. I turn and smile at her, “I guess it isn’t so bad,” I say playfully. They both smile at me and I give them a hug. Maybe the dinner around the campfire won’t be so bad. Of course, that’s when the fire shoots into the sky. I grimace, I guess I still have to make amends with ‘Him.’ Gabrielle eyes the fire and Amarice eyes me. I shrug, “After dinner.” I get two dirty looks, but I shrug them aside and take to skinning a fish.
So, there’s joking around the campfire. It’s as if nothing has changed. Of course quite a bit has changed, but for now we can act like it hasn’t. Amarice glances around the camp ground and I can’t help but smile. She glares at me, “What?” I shake my head, “You can feel him, can’t you?” I know she can and it’s driving her crazy. She’s acting the way I was in Rome. No wonder everyone thought I had lost it. She shrugs, “Where is he?” I smile and nod towards a tree. She glares at the tree and sends a dagger into it. I laugh a little. Gabrielle is giving her a dirty look. She shrugs, “It’s annoying.” I laugh and soon she joins in. Gabrielle just shakes her head and her and Joxer share a slightly confused look. Joxer yelps as a dagger lands at his feet. My head shoots towards the tree, but he’s gone now. I suppose he just wanted my attention. I grab the dagger and hand it to Amarice, “I’d be careful where I place this if I were you.” She takes it from me and I walk out of camp. Eli grabs my arm when I reach the edge of our clearing, “Remember Xena, through forgiveness you will find peace.” I jerk away from him and he fixes me with a very serene smile. I want to slap him. But no, I have more important things to do right now.
I stop near a stream and sit down on a log. He’s not here and I contemplate leaving, but I know I have to fix things now before they get worse. I don’t want some innocent villagers to suffer just because I got the God of War upset. Why does he care anyway? It’s not like we’re close or anything. Yet he had it in his mind that I was supposed to tell him every little detail of my life. Well, that’s not ever going to happen. I’m so distracted with my inner conversation that I don’t even notice his arrival until he’s sitting next to me on the log. I turn towards him to find him staring into the stream. A few fish float to the surface and I know it’s his doing. He’s still mad. “Stop that. They didn’t do anything to you and Joxer doesn’t need that much help with his fishing.” He doesn’t reply which irritates me, but only a little. “So are you just going to sit there pouting or are you going to say something?” He fixes me with a glare, “The God of War doesn’t pout.” I smile, “Could have fooled me. So, if you aren’t pouting, then what do you call it?” He turns away, “Nothing.” Well, there went that conversation. I wish I had Gabrielle’s ability to start conversations, but I don’t. But I can finish them. “If you’re just going to sit there wasting my time, I’m going back to camp.” I stand up and begin to walk away, but a fierce grip lands on my wrist and drags me back to the log. There’s anger in his gaze, “You are not walking away from me this time, Xena. Why didn’t you tell me?” I roll my eyes, “You didn’t need to know. Anyway, after what you were going to do to Evander do you honestly think I would even dream of telling you about Amarice?” Alright, so yeah, I did dream about it, but I wasn’t going to, was I? He’s silently fuming. “Hercules told me about Nemesis and Evander. Honestly Ares, I didn’t think you would go that low.” A tree behind me explodes, but I don’t flinch, “Don’t take your anger out on a tree. It’s pathetic.” I feel his grip on my wrist tightening, but I let my features remain calm, I’m not about to let him know that it’s beginning to hurt a little. “Let go, you obviously don’t want to talk so I’m leaving. I’m not in the mood to put up with your spats.” I guess I went too far because I find myself against a tree with my head ringing. I open my eyes and they’re clouded over with spots, it doesn’t matter, I don’t need to see to be able to find him. Of course it would help if I could find my feet. I’m finally able to drag myself to my feet, using the tree for balance, “Feel better?” I know my voice is shaky, I can only pray that he doesn’t notice it. He turns to me, anger on his face, but it lessens when he sees me. There’s a metallic taste in my mouth and spit blood onto the ground, near his feet. He stares at it, then up at me and I watch as his whole expression drops like a ton of bricks. He turns away from me and stares at the stream again. I start off toward camp, but think better of it. Instead I return to the log and sit down, “Why does this bother you so much?” I ask carefully. He shakes his head and laughs bitterly, “I don’t know. You should have told me though.” “No. If I would have told you, you would have used her in your army or against Hercules or something like that. I didn’t want that life for her and I still don’t. So let’s get one thing straight Ares, leave her alone. You mess with her and I will kill you.” For all my talk I know I couldn’t do it, but with any luck he doesn’t know that. He glares at me, then nods, “You can’t keep me away from her, Xena. I’m her father, I have just as much right as you do.” He starts to say more, but I shoot him a killing glare. He raises an eyebrow at me, then continues, “I’m not going to use her. Like I said before, she would never make it in one of my armies.” His joke, is just that, a joke. It’s not the real reason he won’t use her. He won’t use her because he loves me. I know that now and for a brief second I wish I had told him about her back in the Inn. I nod slowly, “I’m glad we understand each other. Now, I’m going back to camp.” I stand up and walk away from him.
Before I even reach sight of the camp, he appears in front of me. I stare at him expectantly, “Yes?” He smiles softly and I don’t know what to expect. After moments of silence, he speaks, “I meant what I said in the Inn.” I nod, “Yeah, I know.” Gods above, I want to tell him that I feel the same, I just can’t. The words won’t pass my lips. I smile and move to walk around him, but he grabs my wrist, “Things aren’t going to change, are they?” I shake my head, “I don’t think they can. We’re on opposite sides Ares and I’m not returning to you.” He looks curious, “Why not?” I laugh, “This is the life for me. If I became what I was before, I would be destroyed.” He looks impatient, like I’m only saying these things to fill the air. “What?” I ask him, slightly irritated. “I want the real reason.” He says squeezing my arm gently. Oh, he’s not asking me to be the Destroyer of Nations, he’s asking for much more. I shake my head, “I can’t.” I guess that was good enough for him because he releases my arm. He seems so disappointed, but there’s a gleam in his eyes and I know he knows how I feel. I silently curse myself as I walk away from him. Whether I’m cursing myself for letting him know or for walking away, I’ll never know, but either way, I used some very colorful ones. The camp is silent as I stalk in and lie in my bed roll. The wind blows lightly, but I don’t feel a chill in it. Above the whisper of the wind I hear him laughing lightly, “Until next time, Xena.” I smile and laugh lightly before curling into my bedroll.
-The End
Walking slowly, Gabrielle and I exit the little room we are in and make our way towards a path, where Joxer and Eli are waiting for us. Joxer rushes over to Gabrielle and puts an arm around her, helping to support her. “Thank you, Joxer,” she says quietly. She’s been very quite, well, I’m sure she has a lot on her mind. The walk to town is long and I end up leaning on Amarice a little. I feel uncomfortable in this robe and with no weapons. Tears threaten to fall when I think of my lost sword, my armor and leather. And when I remember the Chakram a tear does fall. This doesn’t go unnoticed by the girl helping me. She squeezes me gently and I smile down at her. She’s grown, not physically, but she has matured quite a bit. Oh, the things she must have gone through to get our dead bodies, my Chakram, and Gabrielle’s scrolls. I wonder if she read the scrolls or if she saw Gabrielle fight. She’s looking at Gabrielle in a new light, a light that holds a lot of respect. I let the thought leave with the wind and smile as my hair blows away from my face. I’ve tied the two pieces of my Chakram to the inner lining of my robe and they clank against my skin as I walk on.
Once in town, it’s far too late to find clothes and weapons. Both Gabrielle and I know that we look like fools when we enter the Inn, but we’re too tired to care. Carefully, we’re helped up to our rooms. I smile and wonder where they got the money to get us each a separate room, but it doesn’t matter. The door closes as Amarice leaves and goes to her room. That’s about when it hits me, I’m starving. I mean I’m more that just a little hungry, I’m down right starving. “Amarice, wait,” I call. The girl reopens the door, “What’s wrong?” A small smile creeps onto my lips, “Could you get me some food? I don’t think I have the energy to go back downstairs.” She smiles brightly and her eyes light up, “Sure thing.” She rushes out of the room with purpose and I smile, maybe she hasn’t matured that much. Suddenly I shudder and go to shut the window only to find it closed already. I reach for my sword, but of course it’s not there. “Who’s there?” I can only hope that my voice doesn’t quake. There’s light laughter, but no one replies. Maybe it was just my imagination. Amarice walks in and sees me poised for battle. She looks around, then sets the try on the bed stand, “Xena, it’s alright. We’re safe here.” She looks scared. “By the Gods, Xena, sit down before you fall,” she says taking my arm and leading me to the bed. She feels my forehead, then sighs, “No fever, but you’re paler than a ghost. What’s wrong?” I shake my head, unsure of the answer and decide to brush it off, “Just a chill, I guess.” She nods, “I’ll be next door if you need anything.” I nod and after giving me one last worried glance, she leaves the room. I stare after her, she reminds me of someone, but who? Maybe it’s Gabrielle, the Gabrielle that followed me to Amphipolis and refused to leave my side. Maybe it’s me, the me I was with Lyceus in the streets, picking fights and planning for battle. She’s so stubborn and hotheaded, so disrespectful, she has no sense of authority, but she’s tender and cares so much. Who do I know like that? Well, there’s ‘Him,’ of course. I slap myself in the forehead. I must be tired if that sweet girl reminds me of ‘Him.’ “Oh, Xena, you need some down time,” I say to myself, hoping to convince myself of it. I eat all of the food that I can and finish of the mead, then lay on the bed. Another chill courses through my body, but I’m too tired to think of it. I pull the blankets around me and snuggle into them. Still the chill is there, then suddenly it’s gone and I feel warm and safe. A content sigh escapes my lips and I snuggle into the blankets.
The sun is pouring through the window when I wake up. I stretch and look around. As I move, I notice something’s amiss. My Chakram! I franticly search the bed, then find it next to a tray of food on the bed stand. I don’t remember taking it off. And where did that food come from? And what is that comforting smell? It’s not the food. I shake my head, I just need to get weapons and armor and everything will be alright. Amarice walks in carrying a tray of food. She stops when she sees me eating and I stare at her questioningly. She stares right back, then smiles, “I guess Eli thought of it first.” I nod and it makes sense, Eli has always been an early riser. She sits on the bed next to me and I can tell something is wrong. I put a hand over hers, “What’s wrong?” She glances away, “Nothing, just a dream.” Now, I’ve had my share of damning dreams and I know that dreams are not a nothing, they are a something. “Tell me about,” I say gently. She sighs, “It was about my mother. I never knew her, you see. She left me on the outskirts of a little village. Everyone swears it’s impossible, but I remember crying as she walked away from me. But in my dream, after she left, a man came and rescued me. He told me he was my father and that everything would be fine. He told me that he would get my mother to come back to us. Truth is a little girl found me and her mother took me in. I got rebellious and left them a few years ago. Ephiny found me, she took me in as an Amazon because I had the heart of one. It was the first time I felt truly loved. I had actually secretly hoped that she was my mother who was finally back to claim me. Silly, huh?” I stare at her, Could it be? I shake my head, no, that’s not possible. “That’s not silly Amarice. Every child hopes to find her mother. I’ve never asked, but how old are you?” She blushes, could she be that young? “Fifteen,” she says quietly. I stagger back a little, it could be possible, but no, I would have known sooner, right? I shake my head again and stand up, retying my Chakram to the inside of my robe, “Let’s go get the others. I need clothes and weapons. I’m starting to lose my mind.” We both laugh, but she doesn’t know how close to the truth that statement is.
The market is busy. Obviously, the owners of the various shops are happy about it, I, on the other hand, am not. People eye me and Gabrielle. They think we’re outsiders. This is Rome, so I guess we are. I wish I could be back in Greece, but that journey won’t start until after we get supplies. I stop and get a shift at one stall, a simple white one that reminds me of my other one. The man smiles and won’t let me pay for it. I slip a dinar into his pocket when he’s not looking, he’ll find it soon enough. I can smell leather and I close my eyes to take in the smell. It makes me smile, until a chill goes through my body again. I stiffen and look around, then reach down and find comfort in my Chakram pieces. Gabrielle’s found some blank scrolls at one of the stalls and she’s put them into her saddle bag with the others that Amarice rescued. My motley crew and I walk into the leather store and the owner laughs at us. I’m sure we’re quite a sight to see. I glare at him and Amarice fixes quite a threatening look on him that makes him shrink back. I look over at her and shake my head, that look, it looks so much like, nope! I am not going there. I playfully push her, “Don’t do that, you’re making me look bad.” She smiles brightly and begins to rush around the store, looking at the different bodices and armor pieces. I sigh, I don’t like shopping, but right now, it’s very necessary. There’s a black leather bodice much like my old brown one on the far wall. It’s been oiled and gleams in the light. I like it. I smile at Gabrielle and she holds up a brown leather two piece set. It has hooks for weapons and she seems to like that about it. She’s serious about fighting now. We head into a closed off section and change. We walk out, ten times more comfortable. Joxer hands us some boots and we quickly lace them on. Weapons and armor, that’s all we have left to find. Eli takes the robes from us and sells them at a nearby stall. We pay the leather shop owner fifteen dinars and leave. I can hear medal being pounded and my heart leaps. Then it sinks when I remember that my Chakram is broken, irreparable and irreplaceable. Gabrielle squeezes my hand, “We’ll find something, Xena. Don’t worry.” The wind seems to echo her last sentence and I can’t help but wonder if it’s truly the wind or someone else. I stride into the shop and the small man stops hammering the horseshoe long enough to look me over and smile, “We have much for women like you.” I smile and nod, “So I see.” Gabrielle and I walk around with Joxer trailing behind us. Eli waits outside, not wanting to come in. And Amarice is talking to the short man, using hand signals and vivid bits of imagery. She’s trying to explain my Chakram and he’s staring at her like she’s been possessed by the Furies themselves. I sigh, her heart’s in the right place, but it’s not possible. I find silver armor and put it on over my leather. I feels good and looks just as amazing as my old stuff. It doesn’t have the same memories though. Gabrielle is fingering two matching daggers. I smile, “They’re called sias. Here let me show you,” I say taking them from her hand. I hold them firmly and spin them around, flicking one at a wall and pointing the other at her throat. She smiles, “I like them. I can hook them onto my boots. They’re a good weight. What do you think?” She retrieves the first sia and places it along with the second in her boots. Little Gabrielle playing with weapons. I can’t stop her this time. At least it’s not a sword, yet. I nod, “They’ll do you good. But wouldn’t you rather have another staff?” She glares at me and my hands go up in a defeated manner, “Fine, fine, I get it. Grab a few of those daggers over there will ya?” I grab a sword and smile into it’s surface. I turn it around and thrust it a few times. It’s perfect, not a flaw on it. And the blade is sharp. Gabrielle holds out five daggers. I nod and put one in each boot. I put the breast dagger in its rightful place and another dagger goes to my hip. I stare at the fifth. It’s another breast dagger and Gabrielle keeps it. I sigh, “Think you can keep it in there this time?” She laughs and pushes me. I sheath the sword and put the scabbard on my back. I redraw the sword and smile, then resheath it. The Chakram pieces are held tightly in one hand and when I look down at them a pain rips through my chest. Why the Chakram? Of all the things to break, why did it have to be that? I feel Gabrielle take them out of my hand. She looks down at them, then sets them on a table, “Xena, it’s time to let go. It’s gone and you said it can’t be fixed. Let it go.” I jerk away and snatch it up, “No.” She doesn’t understand, it’s all I have left of a time long ago. It holds so many memories for me. I can’t just let it go. Amarice rushes over and smiles at us, obviously happy to have me looking normal and Gabrielle looking and acting like a warrior. No, she’s not a warrior, not yet. She takes the Chakram and smiles, “The man is clueless. Where did you get it? Maybe we can go there and they can fix it.” She so wants to see the Chakram in one piece. So do I, but it’s not possible. “Amarice, it’s not going to happen. Someone gave it to me as a gift. They taught me how to use it and I knew then that there would never be another. It’s a piece of art and the only of it’s kind. I’ve destroyed it and lost it forever. There’s nothing we can do about it.” I bite back tears and close my eyes. Everyone sees my sorrow, but they think it’s for the weapon, when truly it’s for what it meant to me. Amarice doesn’t look discouraged, “Well, maybe they can fix it. Who gave it to you?” She never gives up and her eyes are begging me to give in. I sigh and stalk from the shop. To answer her question, I say shortly, “A God.” Gabrielle runs and grabs my arm, “Ares?” She guesses. She had no clue, but oh she should have known. There’s always been so much between me and ‘Him.’ Amarice looks at me in a new light, “Ares? Don’t you think he would fix it?” I shake my head, “Not anymore.” My voice is full of resentment and my heart is full of pain. Another chill makes it through my body and I draw my sword with one hand and hold the broken Chakram in the other. It might be broken, but the edges are still sharp. “Who’s there?” I call into the wind. I smile when I hear my voice coming out coolly and full of threat. The wind blows and I swear I can hear someone whispering, “A friend,” but that’s crazy, for there is no one there. I shake my head and Gabrielle puts an arm around me, “You need to rest, Xena. You’re really jumpy. Let’s pay this guy and get to the ship.” I nod, still wondering about this chill that follows me wherever I go. I’ll figure it out, I just need to give my senses time to recover.
The ship rocks and Gabrielle is miserable. It’s nice to see that some things never change. We’ll dock in Sparta in three days. I hope Argo is alright. Joxer claims that he took good care of her, I’m sure he did. He’s a good man. Eli walks into the cabin I am sharing with Amarice and Gabrielle. They are both up top trying to get a bit of fresh air. Eli sits next to me, “Something is troubling you, Xena. What is it?” I shake my head, “I don’t know. I feel like someone’s watching me. It’s not that they’re threatening, but it isn’t right. I can’t put my finger on it yet.” He knows there’s more, I can see it in his eyes. He places a hand over mine, “What else, Xena?” I sigh, it’s not like this is any of his business, but he did save my life and he is trying to help. “It’s Amarice. She reminds of someone I was very close to. And she reminds me of myself.” He nods, “I see a lot of you in her. Why is that?” Could it be true? Could she be? And could Eli know? How? I’m sure my unsurity is plastered on my face. He smiles, “Could she possibly be of any relation to you?” I close my eyes, how does he know when I myself am not sure? I find myself nodding my head and explaining, “After my brother Lyceus was killed I went on a bit of a rampage. I’m sure you know about that. What most people don’t know is that I was in a rather intimate relationship at the time. I ended up pregnant and I kept the fact from the father, even though that meant I had to stay away from him. I gave birth, left the child and went out to sea to be a pirate. When I returned to Greece, many years later and pregnant with Solon, I struck up my old relationship with the father and things, though less intimate, for I felt that I could never trust anyone again, went back to how they were before.” He nods in understanding, “You believe that Amarice is that child you left behind,” he states. I nod, why did I tell him this? Eli, of all people, and I just spilled the darkest secret I have left. He strokes my hand gently, “Who is the father?” I jerk away and finger the Chakram. He looks down at it and nods, “I see. You have to deal with this your way, Xena. But I am here if you need me and so are Gabrielle, Joxer, and Amarice. And I’m sure if you talked to the father he would help too.” I huff at the last part, “That’s not possible, Eli.” He shakes his head sadly, “You would be amazed, Xena.” We sit in silence until Amarice and Gabrielle return to the cabin.
I breathe in the air as I exit the boat. Gabrielle has already rushed off the boat and is standing in the middle of the road, turning in circles. She runs and gives me a hug, “We’re home,” she breathes. I smile at her, “Yes, we are. Now let’s get some real food and find Argo.” She smiles at me. A chill spreads over me, the first sense leaving Rome and I jump a little. That son of a Baccheae! Why didn’t I realize it before? I brush it aside, hoping he will leave. But, why would he? He follows us, probably thinking that I don’t know it’s him. Seeing Argo makes me forget about him. But of course that’s when he decides to show himself. The others don’t see him and I throw him what I hope is a death glare from on top of Argo. I reach to where the Chakram should be, hoping to catch him off guard, then curse myself. It’s not there, it’s destroyed. The pieces still rest inside my leather sack. I look down, then pull Argo to a stop in front of her stall, “Good girl. Don’t worry, we’re going to head out tonight.” I walk into the tavern with my friends silently following me. They haven’t mentioned the glare or the reach for the Chakram. I hope they never do. We sit at a table and relish in the taste of real Greek food.
Somehow, Joxer has arranged for us to have separate rooms. I can’t help but wonder where he got the money from. But, it’s not important. I smile and give him a quick hug in thanks before walking into my room. I swing the window open and breath in the fresh air. There’s only a hint of salt in it. I toss my stuff onto the bed, then remove my armor and sit next to my bag. I rummage through my bag until I find both pieces of my beloved Chakram. In the privacy of my room, back in my homeland, I cry. I let the tears pore from my eyes and splash onto the pieces. A chill works it’s way through me, then I feel warm. It’s a warmth I recognize from that night in Rome and many before it. I jerk and my elbow hits something, no someone solid. I compose myself, not about to let him see me cry like this, then turn to glare at him. Yes, I was right, Ares is sitting there, with his arms around me. My head was on his chest before I moved to look at him, now it’s even with his. I hope my eyes are showing my anger. Honestly, I’m comforted by his presence, but I can’t let him know that. I must remain strong and hard because... Why? He’s bad for me, that’s why. I’ll keep telling myself that and maybe one day I will actually believe it. I jerk out of his arms, “Stalking me now?” His eyes are soft and full of regret and loss and lo-no, not that. I’ve seen this look before. He gave me this look the day Lyceus died and the day I gave up Solon and the day I left him. I bite the inside of my lip as these memories float through my head. He’s thinking them too. Damn him, why hasn’t he responded. He’s just shaking his head. “Well?” I ask, growing quite uncomfortable. He sighs and puts his arms around me again, “I thought I had lost you forever.” My heart stops for a minute, then speeds up. I stop myself from melting into him and jerk away, “You have lost me, Ares. I’m never coming back.” His expression, his oh so soft and caring expression turns to one of anger, “Back? I don’t want you back, Xena, not anymore. You died and I mourned for you. I tried to being you back, but I couldn’t. And then, after Eli brought you back, you didn’t even recognize my presence. And the only time you didn’t take it as a threat was when you were half asleep and I stayed to protect and comfort you.” He’s yelling and I swear the others have heard him and will be here any minute. But they don’t come and I can feel my defenses breaking down. In one last attempt to save face, I order, with no emotion what so ever, “Leave.” It’s one little word and I could barely get it out of my mouth. He mourned me and tried to bring me back. Could he still care? Is it possible? Is he reading my mind? No, he’s not. It’s the only question I am able to answer. He doesn’t leave, but changes the subject, “So, who’s the new brat?” I laugh bitterly, your damn daughter, moron. No, I can’t tell him that. “An Amazon. She’s good in battle, I’m amazed you haven’t noticed her before.” After all, she’s only from your blood. Gods above, I actually want to tell him. But that’s risking too much. Why won’t he just leave? He smiles, “I’ve noticed her. She has no control, no respect, but seems to be loyal enough. She would never last in one of my armies.” I laugh at the absurdity that here he is telling me that his daughter, my daughter wouldn’t make it in his army. He obviously doesn’t find anything funny and just stares at me as I laugh. “I missed something,” he says. I nod, “A lot.” I slipped and now that I’ve said it, I know it was a mistake. He raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t push it, “Give me your Chakram,” he orders. I grasp the pieces tighter and stare at him distrustfully. I don’t know why, I just can’t let go of them. He takes my hands, gives them a gentle squeeze, then removes them from the two pieces. He looks them over, “You’ve pulled quite a number on this beautiful thing, haven’t you?” He’s trying to make me feel guilty and it’s working, for I’ve been thinking the same thing for days now. He continues talking, “Of course, I’ve already looked it over before. Don’t worry, I created it, I can fix it for you.” He waves his hand over the pieces and they fuse back together. My heart swells and I could kiss him, wait, oh, I am kissing him. I let my mind catch up with my body and pull away from him. I look down and he puts the Chakram in my hands. “Thank you,” I say quietly. He lifts my chin and I know the tears surprise him. He wipes them away and leans in to kiss me again. I consider letting him, I want him to, but I can’t. I move away and shake my head. No words are necessary. He nods and is gone. I should feel happy, but I can’t. There was such disappointment and hurt in that last glance. I look down at the Chakram and smile, then frown, feeling guilty. He came to help, he fixed my Chakram, he showed me his heart, and I pulled away. I collapse onto the bed and curl into the covers, never letting the Chakram out of my grasp. A secret smile crosses my lips when I feel a chill. He’s in the room, watching me and I’m not going to stop him.
Gabrielle strolls into my room and shakes me awake, “Are you alright? By the Gods! It’s fixed! Xena? Xena!” I roll over, for once I would like to sleep in. It hits me, we were supposed to set out yesterday. Oh well. She’s noticed the Chakram which is still clutched firmly in my hand. I smile, “I have a fan.” I glance at the far wall, by the window. I know he’s there still and I can almost see the smile on his face. Gabrielle’s eyes go wide, “Ares?” At my nod, she continues, “Why? What was the deal? Did you promise him something?” I shake my head. What am I supposed to say? Oh, it’s just that he’s in love with me, that’s all Gabrielle, nothing to worry about. Yeah, she’ll take that well. Crap, I said love. Is it love? I know it is, I could see it last night and I could feel it in Rome. And I knew it all those years ago. I shrug, trying to stay on top of the conversation, “It’s an amazing piece of art and it does severe damage, did you really think he would leave it destroyed?” I can feel his disapproval, he knows I’m lying. Gabrielle buys it though and nods, “Oh, well, you have a good point there. Get ready and eat that food before it gets cold. I’m going to get us two more horses and I’ll make sure Argo likes them. I’ll meet you in the stable in a little while.” She walks out of the room, leaving me alone with him.
The room is full of tension and finally I explode, “Ares, stop hovering and show yourself.” He appears behind me, hovering over me. I swing my arm back and it makes contact with his chest, “I said stop.” He laughs, “Testy, huh?” I scowl at him, which is hard to do when he’s giving me that damn smile. “You lied to Gabrielle,” he states. I shake my head, “Oh, so there are strings, huh? Well, come on, what do you want?” I snap at him. He flinches at the sarcasm, then grows angry. I can see the fire burning in his eyes and I know he could fry me with a thought. But he won’t and he soon calms enough to speak. “There are no strings. That Chakram was a gift to you and I wasn’t about to let it remain in pieces with you in an emotional state over it.” Emotional state? I can’t help but laugh and he gives me a dirty look. “Why do you care so much?” I ask sarcastically. He snaps at me, “Because I lo-.” He stops before the word can be finished. “You what?” I ask, gently. If he’s about to say what I think he’s going to say, I might cry. He’s never used the words before, not with true emotion. With passion yes and with lust, but never with pure emotion. I almost hope he doesn’t say them. I won’t be able to pull away if he does, because deep down I love him too. I don’t know if it was my prompt that made him respond or something in my expression. But he relaxes and takes my hands in his, “I love you.” I close my eyes, trying to find a reason to move away from him, searching for something to say in return. I can’t let him know my feelings mirror his, it just wouldn’t do. As tears build up in my eyes and I feel my will disappearing, the door swings open and Amarice walks in. She smiles at me, then frowns and draws her sword. Ares stands up and I laugh as they both adopt the same stance. They turn to me with the same questioning expression and I laugh harder. Amarice turns an accusing pair of eyes on him, “What did you do?” He shrugs, totally bewildered as I sit on the bed, laughing until I fall over. I sit up and hold up my Chakram, hoping she will drop the matter and he will set it aside. She smiles first at me, then at him. She rushes passed him, stopping to give him a quick squeeze on the arm before reaching out and feeling the Chakram, searching for the breaks. “It’s amazing,” she breathes. He sits down next to me and I have an overwhelming urge to tell them both everything. I bite it back and turn to Amarice, “Come on, we need to get going.” Amarice nods and turns to Ares, “I’m sorry for how I treated you at first. You’re not too bad.” He shakes his head, not sure about how to reply to the compliment. To add to his discomfort, I smile at him, “Maybe she’s right.” He looks incredibly unsure of himself and Amarice and I share a smile. “Go on, Amarice, I’ll be there in a minute.” I don’t know why I wanted to be alone with him again, but it felt right. Of course it also felt right to tell him the truth, but I wasn’t about to do that. Amarice nods and closes the door behind her. A silence fills the room, as I finish collecting my things. “Try not to break the Chakram again anytime soon, alright?” He says, as he starts to disappear. A desperate feeling courses through me, “Wait,” I call after him. He stops and walks to me, “What’s wrong?” I shuffle through my feelings and I guess in the middle of it I started to cry because when I come back to my senses, he’s holding me close and my face is wet. I pull back and quickly look down, damn, why am I acting so weak? I haven’t cried sense I lost Gabrielle. Why am I crying now? And in front of him, no less! He raises my chin, “Stop that. You look down to no one,” he says quietly. I smile, he’s right, of course, I’ve never looked down, but I can’t help feeling embarrassed over my tears. He wipes them away, “Now, stop doing that crying thing. It’s giving me the creeps.” I know he’s trying to lighten the mood and he succeeds. I smile and nod slowly, “Alright, I’ll stop, but only to make you feel better,” I reply sarcastically. He smiles and pulls me closer for a minute. I pull away, “We have to stop doing this. It won’t end well.” He shakes his head, he doesn’t care about how it will end or if it will end or when it will end for that matter. He cares about the here and now and I find myself feeling the same way. He leans in and kisses me lightly and slowly I feel myself melting and responding to him. I finally pull away, a little out of breath and I know my face is flushed. “I have to go,” I say, rushing from the room.
I run into the stable and smile at my friends who are ready to go. I look at Amarice questioningly and she shakes her head. Good, she hasn’t told them about seeing Ares. I knew I could trust her. Gabrielle looks me over and I guess my face is still flushed because she asks, “Xena, are you alright?” I nod, “I’m fine, just glad to be hitting the road.” She doesn’t believe me, but she’s not in the mood to argue, so she drops it and mounts her horse. She pulls Joxer up behind her. Eli takes the third horse, which has most of the baggage on it. I mount Argo and Amarice hops up behind me, ignoring the hand that I had offered her. I smile and slam my heels into Argo, taking off at a fast trot.
An uneventful day leaves us resting in a clearing somewhere between Athens and Amphipolis. I’m guessing we’re midway, but without scouting around, I can’t be sure. Joxer’s trying to fish and Eli is sitting on a log doing absolutely nothing and he seems so damn pleased about it. I have this incredible urge to slap him. Gabrielle is cooking, as it turns out after lunch, which was cooked by Amarice, Gabrielle has decided that the only one aloud to cook, is herself. I guess Amarice inherited my lack of cooking skills. I always told Toris it was genetic. Toris. I wonder how he is. Where is he? I’ll have to hunt him down, I haven’t seen him in four years, well a little less. A warm breeze blows through the camp and I smile. It’s so good to be back in Greece. I look over at the fire, where Amarice was, but she’s not there. I smile when I see her helping Joxer fish. It seems that she has another of my skills for she’s using her hands to catch the fish. Gabrielle notices this and gives me a questioning look. I shrug. How much does Gabrielle know? I’m sure she suspects something by now. She walks over to me and sits down, “When did you teach her that?” Maybe she doesn’t know anything. “I didn’t teach her how to fish. She’s good at it though. Not as good as me, of course, but good.” Gabrielle huffs, clearly my answer wasn’t what she wanted. She does know. She gives me a rather pointed look, “Genetic, huh?” I half expected it, but a startled look spreads over my face. The look deepens when I feel an all too familiar presence at the edge of camp. It seems Amarice has noticed him too, for now she’s tense and about to draw her sword. Gabrielle is still staring at me, “Eli mentioned something to me about her past and yours. Why didn’t you tell me that you and Ares got that close? We could have found her sooner and maybe things would be different now.” So she knows and so does Ares and judging by the look on Amarice’s face, she knows too. My face goes hard, this is no time for an emotional outburst. “Things are as they are meant to be,” I say quietly. We make our own destiny, most of the time. I can feel it, this was meant to be. But, I’m not about to deal with them all at once. I stand up, but Gabrielle pulls me back down before I can leave. “Xena, why didn’t you tell me? Have you always known that she’s your daughter? Does Ares know? I thought we agreed that there would be no more secrets between us. Do you have any other kids?” So, the bard is still in her. Yippee. The whole camp is staring at me. Time to answer the questions. “I didn’t think you needed to know. I didn’t think I would ever see her again. I figured it out while we were in Rome, after Eli brought us back.” I have to be careful with this next one. I can’t let him know that I know he’s here and I don’t want Gabrielle to know either. More secrets. “No. We did agree no more secrets, but I didn’t think it mattered at the time. After all it wasn’t relevant. And no, I don’t have any other kids. Is that all?” Gabrielle stares in shock, Eli is smiling, damn him to Hell, Joxer is looking back and forth between me and Amarice, Amarice looks hurt, hopeful, and confused, and Ares, well, I’m not sure, in all honesty. None of this has gotten much of a reaction out of him, I shouldn’t worry about that though, the second I’m alone, I’ll get it all from him. So, why did I spill it all to Eli? Oh yeah, I was upset and thought I could trust him. I give him and evil glare and stalk out of camp.
I walk away from the camp, stopping deep in the woods. Ares has followed me and is about to appear when Amarice shows up behind me. “Is it true?” She asks, eyeing me distrustfully. I nod, “It’s true. You’re my daughter and the daughter of Ares.” How someone can look happy and hurt at the same time, I’ll never know, but she’s managed it well. She rushes to me and I pull her into a tight hug. “Why did you leave me? Why couldn’t I have a family?” She questions. My heart breaks, I never wanted to hurt her. “Amarice, I was a different person then. I wasn’t someone who could be a mother. I was fighting an inner battle and I was losing and falling into a darkness that would trap my whole being for ten years. I couldn’t be your mother, just as I couldn’t be a mother for Solon. I wish I could have given you a normal family, but I couldn’t. If I would have kept you, your father would have taken you, developed your skills, and used you for his own plots. And I would have let him, hell, I would have helped him. But, I didn’t want that for you. I wanted you to have something better. You probably don’t understand, but one day you will.” I feel angry eyes boring into my back. Obviously, Ares doesn’t agree with me on this. Nothing new there, he never agrees with me anymore. Amarice smiles up at me, “I understand. I know who you were then, I’ve read Gabrielle’s scrolls and I’ve heard stories about the Destroyer of Nations. Thank you for saving me. Is Ares, or dad, no, I can’t go that far. Is Ares someone we can trust?” She still wants a family. I wish I could give it to her. Her question is a good one though. Can we trust him? Now that he knows, will he take her away? Could he take her away? Things are going to be different, very different. A deep warmth wraps around us, I know it’s Ares, maybe she does too, for we both jerk away. I shake my head, “Amarice, I don’t know. He’s changed a lot sense then. Maybe we can trust him.” She’s listening, but she’s no longer in my arms, she’s standing in front of me, looking around, trying to find the source of that mysterious warmth. She makes eye contact with me before spinning around and drawing her sword, “Show yourself,” she demands. I smile and reach over to lower her sword, but she jerks me off, “Can’t you feel it?” She asks. I nod, “Yes, I can feel it. You’ll get used to it.” I turn away from her and address a tree, “Stop lurking in the darkness and acting like I don’t know that you’re here.” He doesn’t appear and I feel a bit hurt. Amarice looks at me and shakes her head, “I don’t understand.” I smile, “You will,” I say, throwing my Chakram at the tree. I expect it to stop in midair and be tossed back to me, but it hits something and stays there. I raise an eyebrow and Amarice gasps. What is wrong with him? I know he’s here and I know he’s leaning against that tree and I know that my Chakram is stuck in him. Irritated and cautious, I walk over to the tree and grab my Chakram, hoping that he will grab my wrist, which he does. As his hand wraps around my wrist, he appears and I smile. I jerk out of his grip and prepare to make a sarcastic comment, but the pain in his eyes stop me. Without looking away I say, “Amarice, go back to camp.” She starts to protest, then stops and leaves. Still keeping eye contact, I back away from him and sit on a fallen log. “Alright, what’s wrong?” He shakes his head and a flash of anger crosses through his eyes, “You never told me.” It’s a simple statement and there’s no emotion in it. Maybe I was wrong, maybe he doesn’t really care. The pain in his eyes convinces me otherwise. “I couldn’t. I didn’t want her life to be ruined.” He sits down next to me, “I understand that. But you’ve known for quite awhile now and you didn’t tell me. I asked who she was and you lied to me.” “No, she was living as an amazon when I met her, I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell you everything. Isn’t that what you usually do?” A nearby tree explodes as he directs his anger away from me. Maybe that last comment was a little much. I stand up, “I would say sorry, but I believe that I did the right thing. For what it’s worth, I didn’t mean to hurt you. We’ll talk some other time.” I walk away, leaving him behind me. He should stop me, but he doesn’t. I’m able to continue my walk back to camp, in peace, something I wasn’t expecting.
As soon as I hit the camp ground, that peace disappears. Gabrielle shoots me a horrible glare, “You should have told me.” I shrug, “Maybe. The opportunity never seemed to present itself.” That shuts her up, for now at least. I can feel the anger burning through her though. “Xena, things are as they should be,” Eli says from his position under a tree. I turn to him and snarl. It doesn’t seem to faze him for the smug smile remains plastered over his face. I stalk over to him, all too aware of Gabrielle reaching for her sais behind me. She doesn’t trust me. Well, she shouldn’t. I squat in front of Eli, “Trust you, huh? Well, that’s a load of laughs.” I draw my dagger and twirl it in front of him, but he isn’t fazed, “So, tell me Eli, did your God tell you to do this?” The smug smile remains on his face, “My God tells me many things Xena. One of which was that if you are to ever find peace this secret had to be told.” Peace? He thinks I have peace now? I slam the dagger into the tree next to ear, “Does it look like I have peace, Eli?” He shrugs, not at all bothered by the dagger, “Peace comes with time, Xena. Do not fear, my God will help you.” I could really hurt him and everyone here knows it. Gabrielle comes up beside me, sais drawn. She’s expecting me to do something to Eli. Little does she know, I can control myself just fine. “Eli, I don’t want your God’s help. I am grateful that he returned my life to me, but I would really appreciate it if he butted out of my life from now on. Is that understood?” My jaw is locked in a glare like that which I used on my men oh so many years ago. He is unfazed. “Xena, you do not mean what you say. Just wait, you will ask for my God’s help. One day you will need it or else you will lose all that is precious to you.” He says this so matter-of-factly. It really pisses me off. Knowing that I can do nothing more, I walk to sit next to Joxer, who’s still fishing. “Hi Joxer,” I say quietly. “Hi Xena. You okay?” “Yeah, thanks.” I smile. At least one person here isn’t going to give me hell over this. “She’s cute. She’s short and a red head, but she’s cute. You’re lucky to have her.” I look him over and laugh, “I know what you’re getting at, Joxer. She doesn’t look much like me or her father. But, it’s all true. My guess is that she got a few of her features from his side of the family. After all, they all look incredibly different.” He nods, “Oh, uh, yeah, I knew that.” He looks over at me, “You’re going to have to face Gabrielle eventually.” Sense when did he become the perceptive one, here? He’s right though and I nod, “Yeah, I know, Joxer. I just wanted to relish in a little peace for a few minutes. I have a feeling that it won’t be a fun night around the campfire.” He nods, but doesn’t reply. he’s fighting with something and we both know what it is. Gabrielle’s death really shook him up. He loves her so much. I hope this convinced him to tell her about his feelings. And I hope she can find a way to turn him down gently because I know she doesn’t love him like that. He’s like a little brother or a lost puppy. I wish she could love him the way he loves her, but my wishing isn’t going to get anything done. I walk up and sit next to Gabrielle, by the fire. “Let it out,” I order gently. She glares at me, “I just feel a little betrayed, that’s all. I mean after everything we’ve been through, you just couldn’t find the time to tell me about your daughter. And by the Gods, Xena, you couldn’t even tell me about Ares. I thought we were past all the secrets and the lying. I thought things were different, but I guess I was wrong. So, I guess when we promised that there would be no more secrets between us, it only meant that I wasn’t allowed to have any, huh?” She didn’t raise her voice or show emotion, she just said it and it stung worse than anything. I put a hand on her shoulder, “Tell me Gabrielle, are there things from your childhood that you haven’t told me? Little things that you’ve done and you don’t want to talk about.” She opens her mouth, but stops and nods sheepishly. I’m able to out talk her. “That’s what this was for me. It was a wonderful experience, but not something I ever wanted to talk about. I didn’t want to lie to you or keep things from you, I just didn’t want to talk about it. Don’t take it so personal, Gabrielle. No one else knew about it either.” She glares at me, “Yet you could tell Eli about it,” she spits out bitterly. She’s jealous of him. I laugh a little, “He already knew. I think his God told him or something. I only talked to him about it because he caught me at a weak moment. Otherwise I would have taken it to the grave. I wish I still had that option.” She smiles at me and I know she understands, “I’m glad you don’t have that option.” “Yeah, me too,” Amarice says from behind us. I turn and smile at her, “I guess it isn’t so bad,” I say playfully. They both smile at me and I give them a hug. Maybe the dinner around the campfire won’t be so bad. Of course, that’s when the fire shoots into the sky. I grimace, I guess I still have to make amends with ‘Him.’ Gabrielle eyes the fire and Amarice eyes me. I shrug, “After dinner.” I get two dirty looks, but I shrug them aside and take to skinning a fish.
So, there’s joking around the campfire. It’s as if nothing has changed. Of course quite a bit has changed, but for now we can act like it hasn’t. Amarice glances around the camp ground and I can’t help but smile. She glares at me, “What?” I shake my head, “You can feel him, can’t you?” I know she can and it’s driving her crazy. She’s acting the way I was in Rome. No wonder everyone thought I had lost it. She shrugs, “Where is he?” I smile and nod towards a tree. She glares at the tree and sends a dagger into it. I laugh a little. Gabrielle is giving her a dirty look. She shrugs, “It’s annoying.” I laugh and soon she joins in. Gabrielle just shakes her head and her and Joxer share a slightly confused look. Joxer yelps as a dagger lands at his feet. My head shoots towards the tree, but he’s gone now. I suppose he just wanted my attention. I grab the dagger and hand it to Amarice, “I’d be careful where I place this if I were you.” She takes it from me and I walk out of camp. Eli grabs my arm when I reach the edge of our clearing, “Remember Xena, through forgiveness you will find peace.” I jerk away from him and he fixes me with a very serene smile. I want to slap him. But no, I have more important things to do right now.
I stop near a stream and sit down on a log. He’s not here and I contemplate leaving, but I know I have to fix things now before they get worse. I don’t want some innocent villagers to suffer just because I got the God of War upset. Why does he care anyway? It’s not like we’re close or anything. Yet he had it in his mind that I was supposed to tell him every little detail of my life. Well, that’s not ever going to happen. I’m so distracted with my inner conversation that I don’t even notice his arrival until he’s sitting next to me on the log. I turn towards him to find him staring into the stream. A few fish float to the surface and I know it’s his doing. He’s still mad. “Stop that. They didn’t do anything to you and Joxer doesn’t need that much help with his fishing.” He doesn’t reply which irritates me, but only a little. “So are you just going to sit there pouting or are you going to say something?” He fixes me with a glare, “The God of War doesn’t pout.” I smile, “Could have fooled me. So, if you aren’t pouting, then what do you call it?” He turns away, “Nothing.” Well, there went that conversation. I wish I had Gabrielle’s ability to start conversations, but I don’t. But I can finish them. “If you’re just going to sit there wasting my time, I’m going back to camp.” I stand up and begin to walk away, but a fierce grip lands on my wrist and drags me back to the log. There’s anger in his gaze, “You are not walking away from me this time, Xena. Why didn’t you tell me?” I roll my eyes, “You didn’t need to know. Anyway, after what you were going to do to Evander do you honestly think I would even dream of telling you about Amarice?” Alright, so yeah, I did dream about it, but I wasn’t going to, was I? He’s silently fuming. “Hercules told me about Nemesis and Evander. Honestly Ares, I didn’t think you would go that low.” A tree behind me explodes, but I don’t flinch, “Don’t take your anger out on a tree. It’s pathetic.” I feel his grip on my wrist tightening, but I let my features remain calm, I’m not about to let him know that it’s beginning to hurt a little. “Let go, you obviously don’t want to talk so I’m leaving. I’m not in the mood to put up with your spats.” I guess I went too far because I find myself against a tree with my head ringing. I open my eyes and they’re clouded over with spots, it doesn’t matter, I don’t need to see to be able to find him. Of course it would help if I could find my feet. I’m finally able to drag myself to my feet, using the tree for balance, “Feel better?” I know my voice is shaky, I can only pray that he doesn’t notice it. He turns to me, anger on his face, but it lessens when he sees me. There’s a metallic taste in my mouth and spit blood onto the ground, near his feet. He stares at it, then up at me and I watch as his whole expression drops like a ton of bricks. He turns away from me and stares at the stream again. I start off toward camp, but think better of it. Instead I return to the log and sit down, “Why does this bother you so much?” I ask carefully. He shakes his head and laughs bitterly, “I don’t know. You should have told me though.” “No. If I would have told you, you would have used her in your army or against Hercules or something like that. I didn’t want that life for her and I still don’t. So let’s get one thing straight Ares, leave her alone. You mess with her and I will kill you.” For all my talk I know I couldn’t do it, but with any luck he doesn’t know that. He glares at me, then nods, “You can’t keep me away from her, Xena. I’m her father, I have just as much right as you do.” He starts to say more, but I shoot him a killing glare. He raises an eyebrow at me, then continues, “I’m not going to use her. Like I said before, she would never make it in one of my armies.” His joke, is just that, a joke. It’s not the real reason he won’t use her. He won’t use her because he loves me. I know that now and for a brief second I wish I had told him about her back in the Inn. I nod slowly, “I’m glad we understand each other. Now, I’m going back to camp.” I stand up and walk away from him.
Before I even reach sight of the camp, he appears in front of me. I stare at him expectantly, “Yes?” He smiles softly and I don’t know what to expect. After moments of silence, he speaks, “I meant what I said in the Inn.” I nod, “Yeah, I know.” Gods above, I want to tell him that I feel the same, I just can’t. The words won’t pass my lips. I smile and move to walk around him, but he grabs my wrist, “Things aren’t going to change, are they?” I shake my head, “I don’t think they can. We’re on opposite sides Ares and I’m not returning to you.” He looks curious, “Why not?” I laugh, “This is the life for me. If I became what I was before, I would be destroyed.” He looks impatient, like I’m only saying these things to fill the air. “What?” I ask him, slightly irritated. “I want the real reason.” He says squeezing my arm gently. Oh, he’s not asking me to be the Destroyer of Nations, he’s asking for much more. I shake my head, “I can’t.” I guess that was good enough for him because he releases my arm. He seems so disappointed, but there’s a gleam in his eyes and I know he knows how I feel. I silently curse myself as I walk away from him. Whether I’m cursing myself for letting him know or for walking away, I’ll never know, but either way, I used some very colorful ones. The camp is silent as I stalk in and lie in my bed roll. The wind blows lightly, but I don’t feel a chill in it. Above the whisper of the wind I hear him laughing lightly, “Until next time, Xena.” I smile and laugh lightly before curling into my bedroll.
-The End